Music Monday

L o l. What is Music Monday? Hahaha. Something I haven't done in like a month or 2...

Okay. Top 3 songs I've been binge listening to...

1) "Trap Queen" Fetty Wap

Literally, anybody who knows me knows that I WILL BUST A MOVE WHEN I HEAR THIS SONG. I'm LIKE HEY WASSUP HELLO SEEN YO PRETTY ASS AS SOON AS YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOORRRRRRRRRR. Will be your Trap Queen if you buy me a Lambo for reals.

2) "Crystals" Of Monsters and Men

I just really need to listen to this song everyday.

3) "Sugar" Maroon 5

Sugar? Yes please. All the time. Adam Levine why are you so pretty? Why is this song so cute? Omg. PLEASE PLAY AT MY WEDDING OKAY?

As per ushe (short hand for usual. It is pronounced like the first part of usual. Just in case you didn't know) feel free to check out Music Monday on my Spotify playlist!

Update: Feb 17th, 2015

I just reread my Feb 17th post: Deep Connections. Well, I do have to update you.

Friends:

I never got lunch with him. Haha, oh, that fucker. It's okay. I called him out on it. I was a little bit Elodie cray, but he was like "sorry you're upset blah blah blah" and I was like "lol it's okay I'm crazy ahahah bye." And I saw him sitting at the bus stop and I was like OKAY LET US DO THIS and I said hi like a normal person. So now whenever I see him, we openly acknowledge each other and sometimes catch up for like 5 minutes. I still miss him, yeah, but I'm also kinda over it.

Sex:

I never did hook up with him. Still cute, still tall, still douchey. I would explain what happened, but maybe I'll wait for another day. He's kinda irrelevant right now to me and I don't care and I'm probably irrelevant to him.

But tell me why whenever I go out, part of me hopes I see him... :/.

Weight:

Lol okay bye whatever. Like I said I love/hate my body and I really don't care about losing weight except I want this damn pooch gone but also like food but also looking nice in sun dresses without feeling self conscious but also like food and Netflix. So, whatever.

Well, that's pretty much it. I freaked out so intensely about these situations and I'm just here like, "... YOLO."

Back But Not Really

The last time I updated and posted to this blog was on February 17th. I think I distinctly remember promising you guys to keep you up to date with my life. I know I don't have many readers, but I have over 100 unique people reading my blog and over 600 views, which means some of you guys are checking back on my blog, which makes me very happy! Unless it's like 5 of you from 20 different platforms just checking up on me a million times, but that makes me happy too :)

I'm just posting because I am determined to upkeep this blog! Every now and then, a spark for a blog post pops up into my head and I want to run to my computer and blog, but then I am morbidly behind on my work... and sorting my damn feelings.

Let's see what I have to do before school ends... (By the way, 7 more days of classes, 10 days until LDOC aka Last Day of Class, 19 days until I go to the beach with my friends!)

1. Research paper on political communications, which includes me actually doing physical research and making graphs on data that I have no collected yet
2. Research presentation on my paper on the data I do not have...

Actually, that's all that is pressing right now, wow. But all my people in academia, y'all know how hard it is to actually find and collect data, especially when you have to read through 10,000 newspapers to code your data. Yay. YES. MUCH FUN.

I have to present my data this week and then actually turn in my paper a week later.

In addition to my school work, I am behind on my unpaid internships. Why do I do this to myself? I am behind on...

1. My social media internship (10 hours a week)
2. My blogger internship (2 hours a week)
3. My research assistant position (6 hours a week)

I can tell you how long I've spent collectively on all three... About 5 hours, maybe. 

I'm also struggling in the summer internship category...

1. Found the internship of my dream but the application isn't due until Friday.
2. I hear back from another internship that I like on Wednesday, but I really want the first one more. Also, I need to send over a portfolio of my visual and written work over. I don't do visual work? 
3. What if I just don't find any internship?

Just, many struggles. 70% are 100% unneeded. 

Anyways, back to homework, peace out, I'll work on getting better at this.

Deep Connections

Remember when I said I would get better at this blogging thing? Hahahahaha... I will, I promise. I ow everybody about 20 Music Mondays and stuff.

Anyway, tonight was a difficult night for me. Mentally and emotionally. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with people who I trusted. Of course, they were vulnerable first so I then became vulnerable, but I am glad I was able to confide in them.

This week has been a long week. It's only Tuesday extremely early morning. Yeah. In the past like two days, all of my worst fears and anxieties came back with a vengeance and left me cradling myself in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, tears rushing out of my eyes.

I don't even know where to begin... The source of these fears and anxieties or what exactly led to a resurgence of them. I'll go with the latter and if the former seems applicable to the understanding, I will elaborate.

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So. Wow. I don't even know which one to start with honestly.

1) Friends

I'm starting with this one because I really don't have a great title for it. So my freshman year in college, I befriended this one person and we were BEST FRIENDS and then something happened. I don't know what happened. At all. I have my hunches but I do not know for sure. So I went crazy Elodie. Bat shit cray to be honest. Cray like "STOP LIKING MY INSTAGRAM PICS IF YOU DONT WANT TO BE FRIENDS DAMN." Yeah. That cray. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Soooooo, I gave myself some space from him (more like he probably gave himself space from me) until we had a class together and I probably made it awkward as fuck. I am not a mature person at times. Or a rational person.

But then I saw him over the summer and it was as if we were still friends. Great, right? NAH. So I run into this person at our local club. It was weird, man. So weird. Get this, he was like "I MISS you SOOOOOO much from my LIFE. We NEED to catch up!" At that point, I wanted to jump off the bar and be like "Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." Nevertheless, we agreed to get lunch on Wednesday but... I don't know what I want from him. An apology? A friend? Closure? Nothing? I have already created a Crazy Elodie rant for him, so we will see how that goes. I promise I'll keep you updated.

Question: Am I being crazy or is my skepticism justified? I should get the lunch, right?

Fear: What if when I talk to him, everything I had thought about why our friendship ended gets validated? I'm anxious and I want to show him that I've done so well without him but honestly, there are times when I am miserable and I know that only the old him could cheer me up.

2) Sex

Drugs, and Rock & Roll. Okay. There is no easy way to write out this post at all. Long story short, I met this guy and both of our interests align. Well I thought they did. We both want a hook up buddy. But, I kind of want a friends with benefit, so cuddling and netflix and sex, and it seems as if he wants just the sex. I've been pretty dodgy of him and I have already shoved a handful of Crazy Elodie in his face. But I want to make sure that our wants kind of align. Like if he calls me over for sex, I want to make sure that it isn't only sex. Like I am not a call up girl. I don't want to be kicked out right after and I don't want to go straight into the sex. There really is no easy way to ask this, but I need to know before I commit to something.

I've been talking to him since Saturday and things have really gone nowhere. The convo is slightly ridiculous because we are both kind of being blunt and coy at the same time. I do want sex, I really do. But I've only ever had drunk sex (sorry mother/father/sister/cousin/family if you're reading this) which is why I am just being so guarded with everything that might go into this hook up. I really do not think I am asking for much. I don't want anything serious, just lots of fun (sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I'm ready to brace that storm.) But in addition to that... I've had more dominant/submissive sex. Not like bondage, but in the roles. Like, I have always been guided and I have grown to love that because then I don't have to think. But I need to get away from that too...

Question: Am I getting in way over my head? Am I just going to get hurt?

Fear: What if I am just so fucking awkward at sex? What if I start to like him?

3) Weight

I am also slightly skeptical because he's really handsome, tall, and smart so he fits some of my paper criteria if I had to draft a perfect man. But like... And I know this is going to sound horrible, but... Why me? Am I in no way, shape, or form extremely unattractive but he can easily get a tall, blonde, skinny girl on his arms and he wants to hook up with me. Of course, the first thought to go through my mind was "Fetish. He wants sex with a black girl," but I quickly dismissed that because other fears wanted to come through, such as my problem with weight and my looks.

Okay, fine, I'm pretty, but like my body... I like it at times, but lately I've been very lax on the working out. SORRY TUMMYYYY. So I have a pooch and I hate it. I wish I could just cut it off with a knife. Also... arm fat, thigh fat, and ugly boobs. Okay, so I hate my body most of the time. And usually I'm not too aware of it, but whenever I am, bad things happen... Like my eating disorders. So talking to him is seriously making me self-conscious.

Question: Is this boy already damaging to my health and state of mind?

Fear: What is my disorders come back? What if when we have sex, he sees my body and is beyond disgusted like I am whenever I look in the mirror?

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I confided all of these fears with two of my sorority sisters. And I feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I honestly don't know what's going to happen next, in terms of me and my relationships with these fears, but I am ready to handle them because I know I have people who already know a little.

Before this, I was afraid because the last people I have really connected with (boy in #1) and another girl and guy have pretty much cut contact with me. And it's probably not because of the connection but other things, but I have "connected" with people in the past and the same thing always happen. So, I was terrified in confiding in somebody else because I don't think I could handle confiding and having that person leave me. 

#MusicMonday

Because this post is at the end of the month (due to the fact that I have not been updating my blog), this month's #MusicMonday will be lopped in with February's #MusicMonday.

So, here are my top 3 songs from this week.

1. "I'm Gonna Show You Crazy" Bebe Rexha

I'm not going to lie... This song speaks to me on many different levels. If you think I'm just crazy, then you've got a whole world coming to you. No shame whatsoever. Ask any one of my close friends about the revenge I have wished to do to people. Luckily, my self-control is greater than my craziness, so no need to worry about it, but I still LOVE this song.

Fun fact: I proceeded to tell a guy about how I relate to this song and he still continued talking to me. Either he thought I was kidding or I am attractive enough to be as crazy as I am. Either way, I suck at flirting.

2. "Bitch, I'm Madonna" Madonna

#Same

3. "Friends" Brooklynn

Check out the song here!!! Sorry I couldn't find a video, but the song is still boss.

In retrospect, I'm not super crazy... But................................................................. Yeah, whatever. We all have our moments. Mine happen to be more frequent than mosts.

As per ushe, to check out all 15 of this week's songs, click here to hear all of the recently compiled songs, check out my Spotify playlist!

To Dream Another Dream

Heyyooo kiddos,

I'm back (wow it's been 4 days instead of like 4 weeks, teehee)!

But I'm back with another dream update. I said I would tell y'all about all of my reoccurring dreams and here is one... Well. This dream was a 2-fer because there were two distinct parts that bled into one. The first half is a new half and I have no idea why it blended into the reoccurring part.

Pt 1.

I'm hiding from my friends because I just can't trust them. I have an operations base set up in my apartment and I am trying to hide from their constant bombardments. I'm not actually under attack, like physically, but emotionally/mentally/psychologically. And those are being solidified, like when an "attack" comes, it's memories from a friend that hurt me, but they arrive in the form of a grenade. So, yeah, when it explodes, the memory plays. So a prominent memory played back in my head but in tenfold. I can elaborate on that memory on another day. For now, we will call it BFM1 (Bad Friend Memory 1). So as I'm watching this memory, there's another friend in my base who turns out not to be my friend at all. She's been secretly relaying all of my plans and attacks to our mutual friend who is attacking me. When I find out that there's a spy in my base, I'm going through window where I see a random friend.

Pt 2.

So then this transitions to my reoccurring dream. The earliest moment I remember starts off very dark and macabre. I'm with a couple of my friends and we see this hooligan outside of my house. We head outside to confront him but then he grabs one of my guy friends and slashes his body in half. We are horrified (duh) and we try to run back inside but he shoots my three other guy friends. Me and one of my girl friends make it back inside. We have no idea where the other one is. One of my guy friends isn't dead, so the guy cuts his head off. It's bloody everywhere because he is dismembered our already dead friends. We are hiding behind the door while also looking outside (because there's this panel where we can see outside but out can't see in) and we see the guy come up to us with a gun and he points it at the door. He's on the phone and he's trying to position his gun blindly. He takes a first shot and we scream and scramble. He takes a second blind shot and hits my friend's foot and now she's on the ground trying to crawl. I'm holding on to her and I am dragging her to our safe zone. We run into our other friend who was missing and she's on the phone telling the person where we are in the house. So I get upset because I think she's talking to the guy who was outside. So then I black out. Time has passed (I have no idea what happened in that time) and my father and I are running out of jail into the arms of my mother/his wife.

What had happened was that the guy wanted to get revenge on my father because he thought that my dad indirectly killed his family when he opened his casino. We were held in jail for protective custody until the police can find the man, which they did. We learned that it wasn't my father's fault because it wasn't even his casino because my dad is a doctor who doesn't gamble. He just got the names confused because of dyslexia or short term memory and information overload. Or something. When I'm done hugging my mother, I see my friend who was on the phone. She came to see me. But I slap her because I think it's her fault that the guy shot our other friend, who ended up dying. But then she was telling me about how she called the police and was giving them where we are as a safety precaution.





And then I wake up.

Weird, weird dream. I know what the first part means, but not the second part...

It's Been A While

Since I've posted, obviously.

And a lot of other things, like being true to myself. I'm not going to lie, I found today and right now to be a perfect time to give you a short update of my life because

1) I'm sick
2) I just finished my french dictation
3) I have to go to office hours in a few
4) I just popped a Benadryl and I feel it coursing through my veins
5) I'm just so damn serene while drinking this tea (mint green tea, orange, honey)
6) I have TWO quizzes today that I am just not prepared for. Yes, I studied, but I barely even remember waking up today. All I remember are the faint clacking noises from my roommate's booties walking into the room and me just magically being awake.

I had a weird weird dream.

If you have ANY idea what it means, please, tell me.

So there's this underaged girl who looks like me but is not actually me (or is she? I don't know to be honest) and she is carrying on a relationship with this really attractive older man. All the while, she's lying to him about her age. But really, she's trying to throw him in jail and get a lot of dirt on him as a vendetta mission. So after a while, aka sex, she jumps out of bed and she tells him everything. She has no remorse whatsoever. Then she pulls out a gun on the older man and shoots him in the leg. Then I magically come out of nowhere and I shoot the underaged girl. We are staring at each other because obviously we look identical but we aren't really the same person because I am not jailbait. So then I help the older man to my car and we drive to the supermarket which actually has a hospital in it. Then, in the market, we are being chased by underaged me who survived the spray of bullets. So we decide to hide with my sister and her friend, and all I can hear are the clacking noises of my roommate's boots.

Like this was a weird dream and it was extremely vivid.

Luckily, it was not a recurring dream. I've had about 2, maybe 3, dreams that always happen from time to time and they kind of scare me, to be honest. Currently, they're hazy, but when it happens again, I will definitely write about so that way I can have a concrete version of it.

But, I am off to office hours unfortunately. I didn't really get to talk about what I wanted to get off my chest, but this is good enough. I feel a little bit better and I don't know if it's because of this or because I haven't coughed in the past 5 minutes (knock on wood) and I can finally breathe through BOTH nostrils!

Ugh.