Anyway, tonight was a difficult night for me. Mentally and emotionally. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with people who I trusted. Of course, they were vulnerable first so I then became vulnerable, but I am glad I was able to confide in them.
This week has been a long week. It's only Tuesday extremely early morning. Yeah. In the past like two days, all of my worst fears and anxieties came back with a vengeance and left me cradling myself in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, tears rushing out of my eyes.
I don't even know where to begin... The source of these fears and anxieties or what exactly led to a resurgence of them. I'll go with the latter and if the former seems applicable to the understanding, I will elaborate.
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So. Wow. I don't even know which one to start with honestly.
1) Friends
I'm starting with this one because I really don't have a great title for it. So my freshman year in college, I befriended this one person and we were BEST FRIENDS and then something happened. I don't know what happened. At all. I have my hunches but I do not know for sure. So I went crazy Elodie. Bat shit cray to be honest. Cray like "STOP LIKING MY INSTAGRAM PICS IF YOU DONT WANT TO BE FRIENDS DAMN." Yeah. That cray. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Soooooo, I gave myself some space from him (more like he probably gave himself space from me) until we had a class together and I probably made it awkward as fuck. I am not a mature person at times. Or a rational person.
But then I saw him over the summer and it was as if we were still friends. Great, right? NAH. So I run into this person at our local club. It was weird, man. So weird. Get this, he was like "I MISS you SOOOOOO much from my LIFE. We NEED to catch up!" At that point, I wanted to jump off the bar and be like "Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." Nevertheless, we agreed to get lunch on Wednesday but... I don't know what I want from him. An apology? A friend? Closure? Nothing? I have already created a Crazy Elodie rant for him, so we will see how that goes. I promise I'll keep you updated.
Question: Am I being crazy or is my skepticism justified? I should get the lunch, right?
Fear: What if when I talk to him, everything I had thought about why our friendship ended gets validated? I'm anxious and I want to show him that I've done so well without him but honestly, there are times when I am miserable and I know that only the old him could cheer me up.
2) Sex
Drugs, and Rock & Roll. Okay. There is no easy way to write out this post at all. Long story short, I met this guy and both of our interests align. Well I thought they did. We both want a hook up buddy. But, I kind of want a friends with benefit, so cuddling and netflix and sex, and it seems as if he wants just the sex. I've been pretty dodgy of him and I have already shoved a handful of Crazy Elodie in his face. But I want to make sure that our wants kind of align. Like if he calls me over for sex, I want to make sure that it isn't only sex. Like I am not a call up girl. I don't want to be kicked out right after and I don't want to go straight into the sex. There really is no easy way to ask this, but I need to know before I commit to something.
I've been talking to him since Saturday and things have really gone nowhere. The convo is slightly ridiculous because we are both kind of being blunt and coy at the same time. I do want sex, I really do. But I've only ever had drunk sex (sorry mother/father/sister/cousin/family if you're reading this) which is why I am just being so guarded with everything that might go into this hook up. I really do not think I am asking for much. I don't want anything serious, just lots of fun (sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I'm ready to brace that storm.) But in addition to that... I've had more dominant/submissive sex. Not like bondage, but in the roles. Like, I have always been guided and I have grown to love that because then I don't have to think. But I need to get away from that too...
Question: Am I getting in way over my head? Am I just going to get hurt?
Fear: What if I am just so fucking awkward at sex? What if I start to like him?
3) Weight
I am also slightly skeptical because he's really handsome, tall, and smart so he fits some of my paper criteria if I had to draft a perfect man. But like... And I know this is going to sound horrible, but... Why me? Am I in no way, shape, or form extremely unattractive but he can easily get a tall, blonde, skinny girl on his arms and he wants to hook up with me. Of course, the first thought to go through my mind was "Fetish. He wants sex with a black girl," but I quickly dismissed that because other fears wanted to come through, such as my problem with weight and my looks.
Okay, fine, I'm pretty, but like my body... I like it at times, but lately I've been very lax on the working out. SORRY TUMMYYYY. So I have a pooch and I hate it. I wish I could just cut it off with a knife. Also... arm fat, thigh fat, and ugly boobs. Okay, so I hate my body most of the time. And usually I'm not too aware of it, but whenever I am, bad things happen... Like my eating disorders. So talking to him is seriously making me self-conscious.
Question: Is this boy already damaging to my health and state of mind?
Fear: What is my disorders come back? What if when we have sex, he sees my body and is beyond disgusted like I am whenever I look in the mirror?
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I confided all of these fears with two of my sorority sisters. And I feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I honestly don't know what's going to happen next, in terms of me and my relationships with these fears, but I am ready to handle them because I know I have people who already know a little.
Before this, I was afraid because the last people I have really connected with (boy in #1) and another girl and guy have pretty much cut contact with me. And it's probably not because of the connection but other things, but I have "connected" with people in the past and the same thing always happen. So, I was terrified in confiding in somebody else because I don't think I could handle confiding and having that person leave me.
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