Saturday, November 29, 2014

Procrastination Kills

Hi friends. I am aware I have been AWOL as of recent. I have been boggled down in so much work... One of which just happens to be this paper I am procrastinating on. I should have just turned in this essay at the earliest moment: October 16th. Now look at me... Struggling to write this stupid, stupid paper. I am not even sure when the official deadline for the paper was. The professor said "this week." Like what does that mean? I'm pretty sure everybody else already turned it in and I'm sitting here... procrastinating. And we have another paper due on Tuesday for the same class. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......

I'm going to ramble for a little bit on my paper, then go to bed, wake up, add some more paragraphs and proofread, turn in, log onto the PoliSci research site and get some extra credit, do short response 7 (our of the 12 I had to do before this semester ends... next week. HAHA), go hang out with my friend, come back, start paper 2, start reading some genealogy of morals, go to bed, wake up, do response 8, finish reading, hopefully finish paper 2, start studying for final, go to bed, wake up, study, response 9, go to airport, go to class, go to court for a project, email peer reader, study for final, turn in paper, go to sleep, wake up, start writing another paper, turn in final topic outline, response 10... I don't know. I lost myself.

There goes law school........................................................


Tuesday, November 11, 2014


It's a weird thing to feel your heart crumbling away inside of you. Not physically, but psychologically. If your heart is physically crumbling away, I suggest you go to the hospital and wait until you're well enough to read this entry.

Do you know what I'm talking about though? I don't even know how to describe this feeling. It's like there are butterflies in my heart and they're trying to burst, as opposed to my stomach.

Like, how do you face somebody you had such great memories with and pretend nothing happened? Or pretend that what was in the past is only in the past? Or pretend that when we say "Hi," it doesn't mean "Hi, how are you? Haven't seen you in forever... *passive aggressive*" but it truly just means a term of greeting.

You don't. This is why people need space. Some people, like me, will never get over this feeling even if I am given 50 years of space. Others, can easily compartmentalize and might not even need space.

But, how do you even do that? Doesn't it hurt to make yourself not hurt over an emotional bruise? We were friends, or at least I thought we were. There was no closure, or at least I thought there wasn't. Sometimes when we make eye-contact, you look through me as if I never even existed or even once mattered. And that hurts.

I'm thinking of all the memories we had--clear, like an HD TV--and I want to burst into tears because WHAT HAPPENED? I'm at a point where I am fine and I have accepted that things can and will never go back to the way they were. But I'm also at a point where whenever I see you, hear your name, or think of a memory involving you, I furiously replay every crucial moment in our friendship and I try to figure out where I went wrong, because I always blame myself.

I can't even imagine having a boyfriend and him breaking up with me. I'd be devastated. I already get so emotional when a friendship ends...

I understand that ships can sink (relationships, haha,) but I just want to know why. That's all. I think I deserve some closure. Maybe we outgrew each other, but don't I deserve to know that much?

Monday, November 10, 2014


2nd Installment! Ah! It was actually hard making a list of 3, let alone 15, because I have actually been binge-listening to the same two songs over and over again. Ask anybody... I always played it and I asked them to play it to the point where it was borderline aggressive. Oops.

1. "1983" Neon Trees

2. "Harlem" New Politics

3. "Come On Eileen" Dexys Midnight Runners

Once again, check out the Music Monday tab to check out the full list of 15 and my Spotify playlist to listen to them!

Misplaced Happiness

I'm sure we have all been there: working so hard towards something, maybe even to a point where you're harming yourself and others because you want this one thing so badly. You can't sleep well until you know you're in a good place in relation to your goal. You can barely focus on anything else because 24/7 you are thinking of this goal; sometimes you even have dreams (or nightmares) about it.

If you've never been there, you, my friend, are lacking a passion.

Usually, two things happen: you achieve your goal or you don't. 99.9% of the time, if you don't achieve it, you're crushed and disheartened. Your heart feels as if you tossed it in a compactor that did all sorts of damage to it. Your soul hurts. This mental pain is so excruciating and full of anguish that you physically start to feel it: first it starts with a friendly headache, before it affects your joints, and then every part of your body. You're tired, you're lethargic, you're apathetic. Soon, you become sick because you spent so much time trying to reach your goal, you forgot to take care of yourself.

If you did achieve your goal, 99.9% of the time, you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside, comparable to drinking mulled wine or hot spiced cider. The feelings starts at the bottom of your stomach: you get so excited, you start getting agitated at first. You might or might not shake, but then you have the overwhelming urge to cry because you're so excited, there are no emotions that come even close to describing how you feel. You smile so hard, you're actually afraid you're going to develop premature fine lines around your face (or maybe this is exclusive solely to me.)

Now, if you noticed I used a percentage and you were wondering about that, here is my explanation for it: sometimes, the feelings and emotions get misplaced. You reach your goal, and you're extremely upset, or you don't reach it, and you're very happy.

Well, the latter happened to me. For 4 semesters, I was working towards one goal: Recruitment Chair (RC) of my sorority. That's the only way I wanted to be on the Executive Board. For some odd reason, I really wanted to be the RC. People thought I was crazy because that job is absolutely ghastly: you live, breath, sleep, eat recruitment. That turned me on. If I get to law school and realize being a lawyer isn't for me (which is possibly likely to happen,) I really want to go out and campaign for things and people I believe in (Dear Future Husband, I hope you'll be stable for the kid's sake if I decide to jump from campaign to campaign and advocacy groups and fundraisers.) It got to a point where everybody knew I wanted to be the RC, and I was okay with that because I really wanted to be it.

The road wasn't easy, mentally or physically. Faced some adversity, people tried discouraging me, but I still wanted to be RC. It got to a point where I remember hyperventilating because I was convinced the current RC hated me and wouldn't approve me as her successor because she didn't email me back. Silly, I know.

But then a couple of days ago, I got news that I wouldn't be able to be on exec because my GPA for the Executive Board was too low. I read the email and I cried... Tears of happiness. How bizarre is that?

But, truly, it wasn't that bizarre.

"Be the change you want to see in the world."

My views are a bit different than my sorority's views. That's fine. But then I realized, I wouldn't be able to change myself to be what my sorority would need. My ideas for my sorority are great, but some people probably wouldn't like them and maybe not even approve of how I got there. A lot of the girls joined this certain sorority because they felt comfortable with all of the ideals; I joined because I wanted to shake things up a bit. I know I wouldn't be able to give a little bit of myself to make myself more personable to be the RC. I'd literally go crazy. The other day while flyering, a guy looked at me and my letters and completely disregarded the great cause we supported. Want to know what I did? Passed out a flier to his friend and made a VERY passive-aggressive comment about his attitude. Oops. Want to know what I would do if I was RC? Just imagine it. I believe in tough love for most things, so I literally would not care about 95% of the concerns you would come to me with. We have to wear something for one of our rounds that I would never be caught in unless I was dying and/or paid $1,000,000, but I sucked it up and I bought it, and I'm probably going to torch the shit out of it unless I decide to bedazzle it.

So, when I was told I was ineligible, I was ecstatic. There is something very comforting in knowing that you will not be the most hated person in your sorority. Plus, that is one more thing I would not have to deal with. Honestly, I would not be able to give 100%, which isn't fair. I'm taking LSAT prep all throughout January, I'm taking the test in February, I'm meeting with advisors to start creating my personal statements in April, I'm starting my applications when they come out, and I will have them all sent out by the middle of September. And then throughout this timeframe, I want to work with a political consulting firm or advocacy groups that help people get elected positions before eventually maybe even helping out on the presidential campaign at the close of my senior year.

I would call this a blessing in disguise.

I'm sad that I couldn't be the RC, especially considering all the time I spent in trying to become one, but I would have been more sorry as an RC.

And I had to think about this, like really think about it, because at first I was just afraid that I was creating an excuse for myself, a story to make myself feel better, but I am positive that it wasn't that.


Thursday, November 6, 2014

#TBT: First Article!

My first article on, a college blog for collegiettes (get it? so cute, right?!) I write for part of The Beauty School and I love it. My first article was a news story on Mink, a 3D makeup printer. If your mind isn't blown, you should probably reevaluate your life choices.

But, yo, momma, can I have it?


You know that feeling where you know shouldn't be somewhere? Not because you're not allowed to be there, but because you could be somewhere better...

If you haven't had that feeling, you're doing great things, man. You're where you're supposed to be, doing what you're supposed to be doing, hopefully.

This feeling has been hitting me since day 1 of college. You would think I would have done something to change that, but no. I thought it was just the adjustment jitters. But time passed by, majors and mindsets were changed in hopes I might get rid of this feeling, but the feeling persisted. If you haven't guessed it yet, it is hitting me the hardest now.

I love college, I love learning, I love the professors, and I love the people I wouldn't have a chance to meet if it wasn't for college. Honestly, besides for the 8:30's, 10:05's, the 4:40's, the grades, and the academic papers which aren't friendly to my colloquialism, there really isn't anything I hate about my alma mater. 

But I feel like I should be doing more. I'm involved in my sorority, a cultural group, and several extracurriculars, so it isn't as if I'm not doing anything. I just don't think I'm doing what I really want to do.

It's at that point where I couldn't even care less about something I do badly because I just cannot even muster up the energy for it.

For those of you who know me, you're probably thinking one of two things... 1) "Gah! Go be romantic with life and run off to NYC and pursue fashion and beauty!" or 2) "Wait... Have you not seen all you've done so far? What are you worrying about?!"

To which I respond... 1) "I don't think it would be fulfilling." and 2) "I'm still not fulfilled!"

I want to do something meaningful. Did you know there are people around the world starting movements and creating products that help give back to their community? And they're my age and younger. Like, dude. I want to do that. "Get a PhD on the streets" or not be afraid to take the huge leap to something greater.

I don't feel as if college is for me at all and I don't feel as if law school (DEAR LAW SCHOOL IF YOU'RE READING THIS I PROMISE I AM A GREAT INVESTMENT OKAY) is for me either, and I think that's because I really don't know what I want to do with my life. Maybe I do, but I have no idea how to get there. Or... Maybe I do know how to get there and I'm just afraid of deviating off track and trying something wildly new.

I want something that fulfills me, inspires change in others, and lets me be fashionable as hell heaven (because why can't the angel wear Prada? Unless she wears Versace, because that's Gucci too, hehe) as I do it.

I know probably 89% of signs are telling me to go out on a limb and take the chance for whatever I want to do (which I still haven't figured out, but it's where social innovation meets entrepreneurship and where fashion and beauty bisect the hell out of that line.) But I also don't think I'm ready to make that leap yet. I feel as if I have so much more to learn. Also, I really do want to go to law school. I want to cultivate my advocating skills and I really want to learn about torts. But maybe I also want to go to business school and learn about management and social entrepreneurship and fashion. But honestly, I also want to run to Bora Bora and drink PiƱa Coladas until I have no care in the world. #Bliss.

I'm a productive procrastinator. Hopefully, I'll figure something out instead of writing my next paper. Maybe that's the problem... I feel as if I need everything written down and I try to plan for my life and stick with it. Maybe instead, I'm going to make lists. I'll make sure to share them with you when I finally do them. I have no idea what's going to be on it, so we are both in for a surprise. 

I know things will work out eventually. I'm hopefully and optimistic like that, but I just wish I could have a sense of direction before I start going crazy and losing my hair due to stress. I already feel the canker sores coming in because of stress. Yuck.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

When I'm 30...

So in efforts to procratinate productively, I have decided to take upon the challenge a guest speaker, Christopher Gergen, in my class, Getting Rich by Dr. Lisa Keister, has posed upon us.

He said to write about our lives as if we are 30 and living in a perfect world (or us living our perfect life) and to be as audacious as we want.

To take upon this project, I am going to write a letter as if I am 30 and I will address it to my 19 year old self.

Dear 19 year old, naive, Elodie...

I hope college is going well for you. Don't worry, even when you think everything is going to go to shit, you're going to do fine. I promise. I wouldn't be writing to you if things turned out horrible. I know you are debating to take a gap year and go do something cray (yes, I still say these hip words, hun) before you go finish school, but I really liked just going straight to law school. Yes! You do get accepted to law school. No, you aren't going to anything below Tier 1, so take multiple chill pills. I know you're freaking out right now. But I won't tell you where I went... But I know you're going to make the right choice ;-).

So. Law school was GRUESOME. But don't let it discourage you... greatly. Yes, you kinda do flail around in the deep end for a while, but you find your footing <3. Did I mention you meet a hunky dude? Guess what? We. Are. Married. HOLLAAAAA. (Please don't judge 30 year old me, okay?) I'm not going to tell you what he's like, but when you meet him, you'll know. I know we decided to have twins via a surrogate, but I skipped all that and had a child naturally. I know you're grimacing and reaching over to your anti-wrinkle cream because I am stressing you out. But it is just so magical to see your stomach grow and then deflate when you have the baby. I'm not going to tell you the gender, but the baby is precious! And... I'm pregnant again!!! I know... Why would I have TWO natural births? 30 year old me is a lot more different than 19 year old you. But after this one, I swear, we are going to adopt, okay? Don't worry... Your pretty figure (I hope you're working out...) stays intact.

Oh! We also postponed the dogs. We are getting the first one when the first baby turns 3 years old :-). We think it's better that way. 

You're probably wondering if you ended up living with your parents for a while after law school. Yes, you did. It's okay. It was great and humbling. That small town firm really helped you figure out your life. BUT, you do move away. And you move into a beautiful single family home with your husband. Not too big, not too small, and it has a generous front and back lawn for the kids and dogs to run around it. Oh, you're still driving around Sushi. She runs great. Yes, she is still glittery. 

Oh. I never really told you what I do. Well, I'm a lawyer. I don't want to tell you what type because I'm afraid I am going to prematurely sway you, but you're doing great things, Elodie. I know you decided to do white collar criminal defense, which was really fun, but now you're giving back to the community in ways you didn't even think was possible... Before you say it, no, it wasn't for propping you up for your Congressional race. It was because you actually liked it. I know... shocker! You really do turn out alright, kid. You're worrying for nothing.

This doesn't mean to continue on the same track you're on right now. I know you're probably trying to crank out multiple seasons of your shows on Netflix, but you need to focus on your work. You run into something (or someone, hehe) that makes you change your whole entire outlook on life. When this happens, GO WITH IT! I know you're afraid of failure, but, girl, you were so audacious once. Remember? I do. I'm you, hehe. What happened to you (us?) We were much more afraid of regret than failure. But now I'm back to being afraid of regret and this life is awesome.

So if you don't glean anything from this letter, remember this: Your only fear should be fear of regret, not failure. Keep that mindset and you will definitely end up where I am.

30 year old, smarter and hotter, Elodie

P.S. And because I know you're waiting for this... Yes, your bag, shoe, and makeup collections are still pretty unrivaled. You can now sleep easy knowing this.

P.P.S. You're also the most fashionable in the work place. But that studded blazer you were thinking of wearing to your law school interview... Don't do it. Go with the pink, I promise you'll like it better.

P.P.P.S. The pink blazer and the fear of regret are the only two important things of this letter.

Love you! 

Monday, November 3, 2014


Here's my first installment of Music Monday! Click here or check out the tab above to find out more about Music Monday!

These songs are my top 3 favorite songs that I've been listening to on repeat for the past week. I hope you enjoy them :-)

"Outside" Calvin Harris ft. Ellie Goulding

"Centuries" Fall Out Boy

"Everywhere I Go (Kings and Queens)" New Politics

Follow my Spotify Playlist to listen to the other songs I've been binging on :-).