Maybe

You know that feeling where you know shouldn't be somewhere? Not because you're not allowed to be there, but because you could be somewhere better...

If you haven't had that feeling, you're doing great things, man. You're where you're supposed to be, doing what you're supposed to be doing, hopefully.

This feeling has been hitting me since day 1 of college. You would think I would have done something to change that, but no. I thought it was just the adjustment jitters. But time passed by, majors and mindsets were changed in hopes I might get rid of this feeling, but the feeling persisted. If you haven't guessed it yet, it is hitting me the hardest now.

I love college, I love learning, I love the professors, and I love the people I wouldn't have a chance to meet if it wasn't for college. Honestly, besides for the 8:30's, 10:05's, the 4:40's, the grades, and the academic papers which aren't friendly to my colloquialism, there really isn't anything I hate about my alma mater. 

But I feel like I should be doing more. I'm involved in my sorority, a cultural group, and several extracurriculars, so it isn't as if I'm not doing anything. I just don't think I'm doing what I really want to do.

It's at that point where I couldn't even care less about something I do badly because I just cannot even muster up the energy for it.

For those of you who know me, you're probably thinking one of two things... 1) "Gah! Go be romantic with life and run off to NYC and pursue fashion and beauty!" or 2) "Wait... Have you not seen all you've done so far? What are you worrying about?!"

To which I respond... 1) "I don't think it would be fulfilling." and 2) "I'm still not fulfilled!"

I want to do something meaningful. Did you know there are people around the world starting movements and creating products that help give back to their community? And they're my age and younger. Like, dude. I want to do that. "Get a PhD on the streets" or not be afraid to take the huge leap to something greater.

I don't feel as if college is for me at all and I don't feel as if law school (DEAR LAW SCHOOL IF YOU'RE READING THIS I PROMISE I AM A GREAT INVESTMENT OKAY) is for me either, and I think that's because I really don't know what I want to do with my life. Maybe I do, but I have no idea how to get there. Or... Maybe I do know how to get there and I'm just afraid of deviating off track and trying something wildly new.

I want something that fulfills me, inspires change in others, and lets me be fashionable as hell heaven (because why can't the angel wear Prada? Unless she wears Versace, because that's Gucci too, hehe) as I do it.

I know probably 89% of signs are telling me to go out on a limb and take the chance for whatever I want to do (which I still haven't figured out, but it's where social innovation meets entrepreneurship and where fashion and beauty bisect the hell out of that line.) But I also don't think I'm ready to make that leap yet. I feel as if I have so much more to learn. Also, I really do want to go to law school. I want to cultivate my advocating skills and I really want to learn about torts. But maybe I also want to go to business school and learn about management and social entrepreneurship and fashion. But honestly, I also want to run to Bora Bora and drink Piña Coladas until I have no care in the world. #Bliss.

I'm a productive procrastinator. Hopefully, I'll figure something out instead of writing my next paper. Maybe that's the problem... I feel as if I need everything written down and I try to plan for my life and stick with it. Maybe instead, I'm going to make lists. I'll make sure to share them with you when I finally do them. I have no idea what's going to be on it, so we are both in for a surprise. 

I know things will work out eventually. I'm hopefully and optimistic like that, but I just wish I could have a sense of direction before I start going crazy and losing my hair due to stress. I already feel the canker sores coming in because of stress. Yuck.