Heartache

It's a weird thing to feel your heart crumbling away inside of you. Not physically, but psychologically. If your heart is physically crumbling away, I suggest you go to the hospital and wait until you're well enough to read this entry.

Do you know what I'm talking about though? I don't even know how to describe this feeling. It's like there are butterflies in my heart and they're trying to burst, as opposed to my stomach.

Like, how do you face somebody you had such great memories with and pretend nothing happened? Or pretend that what was in the past is only in the past? Or pretend that when we say "Hi," it doesn't mean "Hi, how are you? Haven't seen you in forever... *passive aggressive*" but it truly just means a term of greeting.

You don't. This is why people need space. Some people, like me, will never get over this feeling even if I am given 50 years of space. Others, can easily compartmentalize and might not even need space.

But, how do you even do that? Doesn't it hurt to make yourself not hurt over an emotional bruise? We were friends, or at least I thought we were. There was no closure, or at least I thought there wasn't. Sometimes when we make eye-contact, you look through me as if I never even existed or even once mattered. And that hurts.

I'm thinking of all the memories we had--clear, like an HD TV--and I want to burst into tears because WHAT HAPPENED? I'm at a point where I am fine and I have accepted that things can and will never go back to the way they were. But I'm also at a point where whenever I see you, hear your name, or think of a memory involving you, I furiously replay every crucial moment in our friendship and I try to figure out where I went wrong, because I always blame myself.

I can't even imagine having a boyfriend and him breaking up with me. I'd be devastated. I already get so emotional when a friendship ends...

I understand that ships can sink (relationships, haha,) but I just want to know why. That's all. I think I deserve some closure. Maybe we outgrew each other, but don't I deserve to know that much?