I'm finding it excruciatingly hard to write this, seeing as tears are flowing out of my eyes at an alarmingly fast rate.
I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I don't even know where to begin to verbalize how I feel.
My heart skipped several beats this morning when one of my professors said, "Find a partner or a group of three to work in." I like to pride myself on being an outgoing and enthusiastic person. But now I would like to add an asterisk to that statement: *Only when I am comfortable in my surroundings.
I knew nobody in that class, except this one girl who I met like once my Freshman year and this guy I awkwardly tried flirting with like once my Freshman year. Point goes: I knew nobody in that class. So I'm sitting there and a wave of panic washes over me. I am thinking all of the worst thoughts: "What if they don't want me in their group? What if nobody wants me in their group? What if I turn to form a group and they already have a full group?" My heart was racing and I could feel my palms getting very clammy. Honestly, I'm not sure what courage washed over me, but I literally swallowed my fear and turned around to face the girl behind me. She, luckily, did not have a partner and we partnered up. Talk about luck...
One hurdle down, two to go.
Onto my next class, and possibly my most challenging class. If I thought I was going to die of cardiac arrest earlier, boy did I set myself up for a treat... It is rare for me to be completely clueless in a class even after doing the readings. Every Monday and Wednesday, I head on over to class in the beautiful School of Law and I sit around a round table with about 15 other students and the professor where we spend an 1 hour and 20 minutes discussing [insert political philosopher here] and [insert argument here] and whether or not [said argument] is applicable to today.
This is by far the most interesting class I have ever taken with possibly some of the smartest people I have ever met, but class after class, I am at a loss of words. I am unable to formulate a statement, possibly because I'm afraid I'm going to say something extremely stupid and not on the same level as the other students, also maybe because I have no idea what to say and how to answer his questions, but some part is definitely due to the fact that I am terrified he has forgotten how to say my name and if I did have something profound to say, he would be scrambling for the correct way to pronounce it. (Silly, but is it really? I find that I'm saving myself from public embarrassment.)
The way I do the readings, I always find a summary and some (very minimal) context on the history surrounding the text. Then I read through the text and think of questions to help guide my reading. These questions are elementary in nature, but I have no idea how to conceptualize anything in the reading so that I can graduate to possibly a middle-school level of understanding.
So, after class, in an attempt to try to reach this new level of understanding, I went to my professor's office hours. I caught him as he was leaving his office and our first exchange made me want jump out the window and run so far away from here and life.
(Sidebar: I had stopped crying, but recounting this exchange is bringing a new set of fresh tears to my already red eyes. This is one of the only days that I am not wearing makeup, so maybe intuitively I knew that I was going to bawl my eyes out. Although... My makeup is water proof and I have gone swimming in it and even played an intense game of volleyball in it and it still looked perfect. Anyways, I digress.)
I had been practicing what to say to him for the past couple of days, and each time I practiced, it did not get easier, but harder because with each repetition, the would-be conversation would become much more of a reality. It was finally time to deliver the speech. So, I run into him and luckily I had not eaten anything because the nerves I had were strong enough to make me puke.
You know how I said I was terrified about the name pronunciation... Yeah. It was a valid fear. He did ask how to pronounce my name and I felt my heart sink because if the silliest of my fears came true, what would stop my legitimate fears from coming true too? That marked the downfall of the oh-so carefully and meticulously practiced mock conversation I had between me and him (although in these mock conversations, his face was the face of Matthew Gray Gubler because I might or might not have been watching Criminal Minds while these conversations were taking place.)
So, we went to the courtyard to talk about why he "never heard from me" due to the fact I sit in class with the most blank face you can ever imagine. Sometimes, when somebody cracks a joke, my mind is still processing the last argument made that I don't understand the joke because I am trying so hard to relate the joke (which I still have not actually registered as a funny statement at that time) to the broader theory. Luckily, I did not word vomit but I also was not able to seamlessly articulate the problem I was facing in the class. Here's a question! Which is worse: articulate word vomit or inarticulate fragmented thoughts? Did you guess the second option? If you did, you're correct. Wanna guess which option was me? DEFINITELY THE LATTER OPTION. Wanna guess how I felt? [Insert adjectives synonymous with crappy here.] Yeah.
Through lots of hand motions, pouts, sighs, and borderline tears (Thank GOODNESS for thick framed glasses,) I was finally able to get out what I had to say and we talked about different lenses to approach the readings with. So, I'm going to try that for our next reading and see how that goes and report in to him.
And to top off the crappy day, checked my exam for another class and I pretty much failed it. I studied hard or at least I thought. Going through the exam, it was a lot of silly and stupid mistakes that could have been avoided if I spent an extra minute or two rereading the texts. Guess who will end up going to a bunch of office hours for the rest of the semester? ME!
Reading this at face value, it's hard to understand my true frustration with myself. I've never been one to reach out for help (no matter how bad the situation,) but I honestly felt like I was at the point where I was gurgling water and needed some assistance before I finally go under. I'm trying a new outtake on life by letting myself be a little bit more vulnerable and being able to speak out for help.
Let me tell you, it's scary. I almost cried because of my pride and lack of humility when talking to my professor, but I feel so much better. Plus, I think with this new look on life, I might be saving myself therapist costs (which just means MORE BAGS AND SHOES FOR ME!!!)
I know I'm asking the like 4 people who randomly stumble upon my blog thinking, "Lol what is this? Oh. Poor Girl. Next blog." But I'm still asking, probably for the sake of me just writing down my usually irrational thought process and walking through it.
So we have another mixer with the fraternity that the Boy is in it (if you do not know who the Boy is, please use this time to scroll through my other posts.)
At first I did not want to go because I felt as if I embarassed myself greatly, but now I have a legitimate reason, like the fact that I have two papers due on Friday (okay, both papers together have a total of 8 pages minimum which is not bad... 1 3-5 page paper and 1 5-7 page paper...) But still...
So. Follow my (weird) logic...
I embarassed myself in front of the Boy (although he seemed to be laughing at/with me? I always laugh at myself, but this was a whole new level of embarassment that I have reached.)
I have mentally friendzoned everybody due to the fact that I am me and haven't found somebody who would be compatible with me. (But Elodie... How will you know if you won't give them a chance? Well, reader, because I just know these things. Duh.)
Plus... It's that time of month. Gross, I know.
Plus it's later. Do you know what later is? It's Wednesday. Who even goes out on Wednesday? (Like 1/2 my school, but whatever.)
Also... Like what do I wear? I am not wearing a dress because I am not shaving my legs because it is that time of month... Pumpkin carving calls for cuteness and casualness. But I am also not going to wear jeans because, well, I just don't want to wear jeans, okay? All of my cute clothes are non-existant (well they are there but very dirty.) I am doing my laundry on Friday or Saturday when everybody is out, celebrating Halloween.
Jk. If you haven't met me (which I am going to assume a large percentage of you guys have now met me... Hi. I'm Elodie. How are you?), you should know that I probably have enough clothes to go a full year without laundry. Unfortunately I do not have that many bras and undies, but I have enough of those to last a couple of months. It is the end of October and I am down to my last couple of days. I started college late August. So, that's a pretty long time: 2 months. I just don't want to put in effort into looking cute while feeling bloated because... yeah.
Did I mention that we are pumpkin carving? Cute, yeah? NO. LAST TIME I MESSED WITH PUMPKINS I ALMOST SLICED MY WHOLE HAND OFF. Well, it was a cut and as I am currently examining my hand, I do not even see a scar, so pretty much no harm, no foul. But anyways... Pumpkin carving is kinda cute if I know the people...
(But, Elodie, didn't you meet cool friends when you hung out with them twice already? Reader... THIS ISN'T THE POINT. I would pumpkin carve with my dog and my family and my friends, but with guys? No, reader, no.)
But they are promising Pumpkin Spice Latte alcoholic dranks for the #basicbetches out there (not me, obviously, but I am curious to try this drink, you know?)
Well. If I go out, I'll let you know. If I don't go out, I'll let you know.
But the point still stands... Should I go out... or nah ;-)?
So... I am not one to go to class all the time, which is obviously a problem for my ever so decreasing GPA (Dear Law School, I swear I am an able applicant and I will excel in law school... Don't mind this if you are reading this.) It's not that I don't like my classes... I LOVE them actually. I chose classes based on the professor than the actual class topic and I actually like the class topics too. How great is that?
I'm just struggling... Mentally really. Home sickness is real... I've been in North Carolina for the past 2 years (this is my third year) and every year it gets increasingly harder. Maybe it's due to the fact that my university is larger than I wish it was. About 6,700 people... My high school was about 250 students for all 4 years. I definitely took my the size for granted. Looking back, I would have chosen a way smaller college so that the total undergrad population would be less than 1,500... The struggling isn't getting easier at all.
To keep myself sane, I take the day off to catch up on some work, watch some Netflix, talk to my parents, do some cooking and/or baking, do some cleaning, and just relax. This doesn't happen all too often, but it happens way more than it should for a normal person.
In fact, I feel like I'm going even more insane by trying to keep myself sane and that's probably because I feel like I rely too much on the day offs.
To combat this, I have set up some goals for myself.
Right now, it is mustering up the energy to go to class everyday for 2 whole weeks. I'm 3/16th of the way there. If I can make it, and I believe that I can, I am going to over-indulge for my birthday (November 22nd!) I have my eyes set on the Maise bag by Kate Spade in their neutral pink. I also have my eyes set on the Make Up For Ever HD collector's set and the Urban Decay Naked collection. If (HOPEFULLY WHEN!!!) I make this goal, I'll make it longer to 4 weeks/until the end of the semester.
I really do think I can do this. Next semester when I have my car (yayayaya!) I'm going to try to have a personal day every now and then (maybe once a month or something like that) and I'm going to take that time to explore or pamper myself. BUT that will be only if I need a personal day! I'm going to start incorporating new things in my lifestyle such as working out and eating WAY healthier (I eat okay, but I need to add more fruits and veggies and fiber) and being outside more in the sun to see if those work in place of my "personal days." (So more like personal hours where I drop everything and cut communication and focus on me???)
And it is so easy to point my finger and blame a multitude of things, but honestly, it's just me.
Let me give you an example, aka my whole night last night...
So I went out. We had a mixer with this reinstated frat. They went away for a while and now they're back. So in this fraternity, there is this one guy that I find very cute and super nice that I kind of met 2 weeks ago. I did not get a chance to talk to him during their fraternity date function because he had his date and I had mine and I was having self-confidence issues and whatever. BUT, (after a lot of running away and people forcing me to talk to him) I finally did talk to him.
But. Let me recount to you my night as to why I'm a mess...
I forgot to wash my dishes and take out the trash when I went away for fall break...
I took a nap in the wrong position and it messed up the curls I worked really hard to work for.
I dropped my cup while slipping over a wet patch.
I went over to the pregame, talked to guy #1, apologized profusely for being drunk
Talked to guy #2, and just laughed the whole time.
Ran away from the one guy I liked.
Talked to some of the other guys I met last time and they all judged me drinking a lot (whatever. It was one of those nights.)
Finally talked to the one guy again. WORD VOMIT FOR DAYS. Told him about my dead grandfather, that I'm ready to settle down, and that I like to word vomit, then justify it, then apologize, and then explain why I word vomit. It is kind of horrendous.
Like. I just want to just blame my friends for leaving me and not coming with me, but it isn't their fault. I should have known better, I should have done better.
But I have a huge crush on him, but I know it wouldn't work out. He seems so... perfect. Nicer than he is attractive? What. There needs to be a flaw. I will always obsess over what his flaw is. But this point is moot because we aren't even friends yet and I have no idea where this will ever go anywhere because apparently he is not one to pursue girls because he is so nice and naive???
I was pacing my apartment floor, debating on what to wear. I had a friend, Anya, with me being extremely calm and casual, just chuckling at me. I had a couple of outfits on my bed: a sequin top with a black body con skirt, a mesh cut out triangle patterned dress, and a collared floral dress. At first, all I wanted to do was wear jeans, wedges, and a cute shirt.
You see, after the events of last week (crush party, bench building, chapter,) I met this cute guy and I wanted to impress him. I talked to one of my sorority sisters who told me about a date function his fraternity was having. The theme was "Newly Weds" so each brother would sort of randomly get paired with a girl; my sister was able to get me invited. My date was a cutie and very accommodating, although not my type at all.
So anyways, I'm freaking out because I really want to impress this guy but still acting low-key and casual. Unfortunately, because the theme was "Newly Weds," the dress code was more or less semi-formal. So, in an effort to be cute and casual, I went with the collared floral dress and wedges. I even curled my hair and did really cute makeup (cat eyes, cut crease, and sheer plum balm.) I went over with a couple of my sisters.
Well. The date function was pretty fun. The guy I liked was looking really cute too. Want to know something? I didn't even talk to him. So much for meeting him the other day. But, I still had fun. I'm doing this new thing called being sober while I go out. It's awesome. I had real fun last night, one that wasn't helped with a little bit of alcohol, which is awesome.
My date left early because he had a quiz the next day (boo, that whore,) but I was able to get to know more people. I was up until 4 with a couple of the guys and a couple of my sisters. I honestly don't think I've had this much fun since... I have no idea. We played board games... BOARD GAMES!!! Have you heard of Quelf? No? Go discover it. It's awesome. I met a couple of my date's friends and I do not honestly think I have ever met a more fun and genuine group of guys. I just want to be friends with all of them, but I such at being friends with guys... They never work out, like ever.
After the first round of board games, we went to Pitchforks (or Cafe Edens, dumb) which is a 24/7 diner on campus. This one guy ordered 4 sides of bacon... Who does that? Him, obviously. But after that, we were up until 4 am playing Quelf once more.
Needless to say, this night did not go as excepted, but I had a crapton of fun. I promise, I will try to befriend my lover dude when I get back from break. We have an event planned with them and I will take the time while I am home on break to find the PERFECT outfit that screams "Hey, look at me. I'm cute and fun and sexy and wifey material and you know you want to date me," while also screaming "Yeah, I put in like 10 minutes of effort to look this beautiful" but while actually spending 2 hours.
Ugh. I am so excited to go home and see my dog.
I have a paper due at 11 pm tonight. HAHAHAHAHA. I'll start that shit when I get home... at 6 pm.
All I can say is that TGFFB, aka Thank Goodness For Fall Break! It's in a week, but still, this is probably one of the most exciting things that has happened to me thus far this month. Now, my life is not so excruciatingly boring that this has been the coolest thing that has happened (or yet to happen.)
Some other cool things that has happened to me this month:
Crush Party! As Social Chair of my wonderful sorority, Chi Omega, I planned a cute invite-only party with the co-social chair. The theme was Harvest Moon, our annual date function where we normally go to a barn and play beer pong and dance the night away. This year, since we were tight on funds, we combined Harvest Moon with Crush Party. Needless to say, I found it to be awesome and a lot of other girls thought so too! That made me super excited.
Bench! We built a bench for our section!!! So instead of sorority houses (because apparently they are synonymous with brothels--haha), we have apartment sections on Central campus. Technically, I did not build this bench, I sat on a bench and watched attractive men build our bench for us.
Boy Who Shall Not Be Named! Met a cute guy the other day... And between you and I, I have no sober male experience. So my goal this year is to have sober experiences. I wish to not rely on liquid courage all of the time. I believe in myself. I got set up by my sorority "aunt" (gotta love family lineages, right?) for a date function on Thursday! Unfortunately, it is not with the Boy, but I am ALWAYS game to meet new people :-).
Friendships! I managed to strengthen two friendships this past weekend! Unfortunately, knowing myself and my destructive self-fulfilling prophetic tendencies, I am going to do something to try to help the friendship but then just end up killing the friendship. I've seen it over and over again. But I'm working on that!
See, so many good things and it's only been a week since the month started. But, I did title my post "Scared, Confused, & Alone" because those were my feelings before I started writing.
I'm scared I am going to mess up the relationships I am trying to strengthen. This self-esteem, or lack thereof, is killing me inside. I am jealous of people who can truly not care about what people thing.
I'm confused because feelings... Liking people is effort. These feelings have got me feeling upside down and inside out. Damn.
I'm alone because, honestly, I am making myself that way. Two of my really good and close friends are abroad this semester. Luckily, this made me reevaluate my life and realize that I need more friends. To be fair, I have a lot of friends, but nobody who I would want to watch Netflix with in only my underwear and lack of bra. I'm working on it (see happy blurb about Friendships!)
I'm also confused because I have all these feelings and I don't know who to talk to. I talk to my abroad friends from time to time, but they're abroad. They can't hug me and drink wine with me. I know, the solution is simple, "Confide in somebody else." But I need to make sure I trust them enough to keep the really important things between us.
I'm scared that I'm going to fail my semester because I'm sad. I don't know if "depressed" is the right word to use, but lately I've been feeling lethargic, tired, and I am finding it harder and harder to keep up the smile that used to be glued to my face.
I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to get into law school; I really want to go to Georgetown. Like, I REALLY want to go to Georgetown.
Oh. I'm pissed because I lost/somebody took my phone.
But, to end on a happy note, I am excited to go home :-). I've killed some friendships at home, but I can't wait to hang out with my family and my dog (mostly my dog.) And go shopping with my mom and go to the spa with my sister. And watch television with my brother. And I would say something about my father, but he's going to be in Pennsylvania. How silly. The only weekend I go home...
I have an essay due tomorrow and I haven't started it. Well, technically it's due on Thursday but I want to turn it in tomorrow. I have another paper due on Friday. So first things first, yes I am the realest, but I should probably do my essay so I can play with puppies tomorrow!