Monday, October 6, 2014

Scared, Confused, & Alone

All I can say is that TGFFB, aka Thank Goodness For Fall Break! It's in a week, but still, this is probably one of the most exciting things that has happened to me thus far this month. Now, my life is not so excruciatingly boring that this has been the coolest thing that has happened (or yet to happen.)

Some other cool things that has happened to me this month:

  • Crush Party! As Social Chair of my wonderful sorority, Chi Omega, I planned a cute invite-only party with the co-social chair. The theme was Harvest Moon, our annual date function where we normally go to a barn and play beer pong and dance the night away. This year, since we were tight on funds, we combined Harvest Moon with Crush Party. Needless to say, I found it to be awesome and a lot of other girls thought so too! That made me super excited.
  • Bench! We built a bench for our section!!! So instead of sorority houses (because apparently they are synonymous with brothels--haha), we have apartment sections on Central campus. Technically, I did not build this bench, I sat on a bench and watched attractive men build our bench for us.
  • Boy Who Shall Not Be Named! Met a cute guy the other day... And between you and I, I have no sober male experience. So my goal this year is to have sober experiences. I wish to not rely on liquid courage all of the time. I believe in myself. I got set up by my sorority "aunt" (gotta love family lineages, right?) for a date function on Thursday! Unfortunately, it is not with the Boy, but I am ALWAYS game to meet new people :-).
  • Friendships! I managed to strengthen two friendships this past weekend! Unfortunately, knowing myself and my destructive self-fulfilling prophetic tendencies, I am going to do something to try to help the friendship but then just end up killing the friendship. I've seen it over and over again. But I'm working on that!
See, so many good things and it's only been a week since the month started. But, I did title my post "Scared, Confused, & Alone" because those were my feelings before I started writing.

I'm scared I am going to mess up the relationships I am trying to strengthen. This self-esteem, or lack thereof, is killing me inside. I am jealous of people who can truly not care about what people thing.

I'm confused because feelings... Liking people is effort. These feelings have got me feeling upside down and inside out. Damn.

I'm alone because, honestly, I am making myself that way. Two of my really good and close friends are abroad this semester. Luckily, this made me reevaluate my life and realize that I need more friends. To be fair, I have a lot of friends, but nobody who I would want to watch Netflix with in only my underwear and lack of bra. I'm working on it (see happy blurb about Friendships!)

I'm also confused because I have all these feelings and I don't know who to talk to. I talk to my abroad friends from time to time, but they're abroad. They can't hug me and drink wine with me. I know, the solution is simple, "Confide in somebody else." But I need to make sure I trust them enough to keep the really important things between us. 

I'm scared that I'm going to fail my semester because I'm sad. I don't know if "depressed" is the right word to use, but lately I've been feeling lethargic, tired, and I am finding it harder and harder to keep up the smile that used to be glued to my face.

I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to get into law school; I really want to go to Georgetown. Like, I REALLY want to go to Georgetown.

Oh. I'm pissed because I lost/somebody took my phone.

But, to end on a happy note, I am excited to go home :-). I've killed some friendships at home, but I can't wait to hang out with my family and my dog (mostly my dog.) And go shopping with my mom and go to the spa with my sister. And watch television with my brother. And I would say something about my father, but he's going to be in Pennsylvania. How silly. The only weekend I go home...

I have an essay due tomorrow and I haven't started it. Well, technically it's due on Thursday but I want to turn it in tomorrow. I have another paper due on Friday. So first things first, yes I am the realest, but I should probably do my essay so I can play with puppies tomorrow!

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