Wednesday, April 22, 2015

"Sight of The Sun"

I have been listening to this song nonstop... This song is just perfect.

(Shoutout because all the songs on my Music Monday have been perfect.)

One line in particular (by line, I mean the whole chorus, oops): "And for once there is nothing up my sleeve, just some scars from a life that used to trouble me. I used to run at first sight of the sun, now I lay here waiting..." The rest of the quote goes "...for you to wake up." But I'm single and I don't wait for anybody to wake up. So for sake of this post, I'm disregarding that last part.

I haven't been extremely open with you. I didn't expect me to just blurt out everything to this blog, especially if I did not know if I was actually going to keep up with it. So, I decided to put things as they become relevant. I usually stray away from harder things and try to keep this blog kind of light-hearted (which can be difficult because you don't really know my sense of writing, so I might think something is lighthearted but you might just be reading the post with a sad smile and a want to hold me in your arms. You might also just be laughing at my misery or feel very indifferent and that's okay too.)

But every now and then I just want to cry my eyes out or tear my heart into pieces because something is bothering me.

Well, this song, along with several others (all listed on Music Monday) have been a source of life line for me the past couple of days.

You don't know me, but I'm not a very romantic person. I don't mean hand holding and kissy faces and candlelit dinners, but I just mean towards life in general. I love life but I am way more concerned about my future than I am my present. That in itself presents a very obvious dilemma because I need my present to have my future. I think two words my high school friends would choose for me would be "calculating and cunning" because I weighed out the pros and cons and my expected utility for almost every single action I did, even something as slight as jumping into the pool.

I've tried, throughout the years, to be less calculating, but I'm struggling hardcore.

And the other night, I was crying and listening to "Some Nights" and I was just thinking about how his voice is just so amazing and how I wanted to listen to more of it while I re-evaluated my life. So I started listening to more Fun. songs.

Sidebar: If I had said "to more songs by Fun." would it have been a double period because the group name already has a period in it or...?

Anyways. So "Sight of the Sun" came on and I heard the line(s) I posted above and I lost it for two reasons:

  1. I had just told myself that I am ready to be a romantic and just be in love with life and the present and go on adventures, take "me" days for fun, be more selfless, and just carpe diem-ing the shit out of life.
  2. On a physical level, I used to partake in self-harm and I finally felt as if I was 100% over that.
And that song was just... Wow. Sums up my feelings pretty much. The song was almost reminiscent for me. I have never been in a relationship but the song does not necessarily have to refer to a significant other. I just kept on thinking about that one month of freshman year in college when I actually did not give a fuck and I was in love with life, in love with college, in love with everybody I met, and in love with myself. And wow, do I miss those days so much. I was a happier individual back then. I do not even think it was the "naive freshman" outlook, but just a genuine appreciation for life and more importantly, myself.

Now, I'm just deflated. I've been feeling deflated. I want to cry all the time. I want to go out and just drown my sorrows in empty music and loud bass. I want to snuggle under my blanket and watch sad Netflix shows and movies about failed love or action shows with a bottle of Riesling and a bowl of fried rice. I want to just be near my dog and my family. And I'm just deflated. I've lost that will... That spark... That passion I used to have in high school.

I lost sight of the sun. (Literally, I always keep my blinds closed and I try to stay under my covers as long as I can.) 

But I'm ready to take back the world.

Sunday, April 19, 2015


Have you ever loved somebody in a platonic way? Not even in a friendship way, but in a mentor-student relationship type of way.

I am utterly in love with a male because I admire every part of him. It helps that he is extremely attractive, but I'm more fascinated with his mind. When I see him, the first thing I think is what wonderful nugget of wisdom will he bestow onto me today.

I wish to crack into his skull and just examine how his brain thinks, because, if you haven't noticed yet, I am fascinated with him.

Let's call him... Mr. D'Artagnan. I was thinking about calling him Mr. Grey as in Mr. Dorian Grey, but this individual is not wealthy, but he does pursue an intellectual pleasure... I wonder if he does pursue physical pleasure. Hmm. I'll call him Mr. Grey, actually.

Before I continue, I must disclose that even though he is attractive and older and established, I do not and will never see me being with him. I have no sexual feelings for him, so I will never accidentally do something Elodie cray and try to get with him. I have entertained the idea before, but it never actually gets to the sex part, it just stops at the intellectual conversation.

Side bar: Speaking of sex, I just really need some. I have written two papers on sexual fetishes even though the topic was not warranted at all. For some reason, I just thought the paper needed some sex in it. I was able to actually go do research and it made me feel a little better but not at all haha.

Okay, back to the point of this blog: Admiration for this older male. There really isn't more to this post. I admire him. I love him. I am fascinated by him. I could hear him speak all day long. I would love to just lie under the stars with him and listen to everything he says, hang onto every word he says.

I know I said that I am not sexually attracted to him, but his smile and jaw line is just 100%.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Aesthetic Norms: Couples

We tend to appreciate things that fit together and look beautiful together. One of the most beautiful things (for me) is to see a perfect couple. There is something about the aesthetics that is just wonderful. Take an average girl and an average boy. Both slightly attractive, both their average height, features, etc... But put them together and for some reason their averageness cancels out and together they look more attractive because the other half enhanced them in a way.

Like if you take a super hot girl and a super hot guy and couple them (assuming they are physically compatible, like undertones and sharpness of features and body), that is almost too much hot to handle. Like how could a couple be that hot? It simply isn't fair.

Even if you take two very ugly people and couple them, together they still look better than if they were single.

If you take one ugly person and one hot person and couple them... What happens? The ugly looks uglier and the hot looks hotter because of the stark comparison between the two.

There is a point to this blog, I swear. I'm thinking about this because there is just this really cute guy that I met. He is cute, funny, smart (both books and streets), ambitious, upper/upper-middle class, high earning potential, loves kids, friendly. interesting, and have I mentioned he is cute? Also... the way his eyes sparkle when he talks about something he likes or is just very interested in what someone has to say and he gets those cute side eye crinkles when he smiles and laughs genuinely. Like... Obviously there's something wrong with him, like he must hate puppies or is a psychopath because nobody is seemingly that perfect.

He's tall but not super tall. Maybe he's like 6', give or take an inch. Probably take an inch. He has a nice tanned complexion and rich brown hair and light eyes. I don't know if they're blue or green. I have convinced myself that I stare into them, he's going to entrap me and kill me. But he's also lean and fit. (I just Facebook stalked him and I think that they are blue?)

Anyways. Like I said. There's a point. Here it is: ARE WE PHYSICALLY COMPATIBLE?

Let's say he decided to hardcore flirt and pursue me, I would always second guess myself. All the time. I think I'm pretty from time to time (either my face has gained 10 pounds, or I am just always contouring that I actually don't know what my face really looks like) and I like my body sometimes. I woke up this morning and felt body happy. I also slept with just underwear. And I took seductive pictures of my 90% naked body while laying down. (Yes mom/dad/sister/cousin/friend/family, I made sure to delete them off of my phone. I'm trying to run for senator in about 30 years, I know how the internet works.)

Let's recap: I FELT BODY HAPPY! Let's continue: but then the boy popped into my mind and I felt body conscious.

So, back to my example... Let's say he decided to pursue me, I just wouldn't do it because body compatibility. I feel as if I'm too big for him. I feel if I dropped 2-3 sizes, then I would probably be okay. Even if he wouldn't mind me, I would still feel self conscious because I am an over thinker and I assume everybody can be as shallow as me at times.

(Side bar, for somebody who can be superficial and shallow, I would feel as if I would be tinier, but like I said, I also kinda don't care about my body? I'll care in the real world post-college if I'm still single lol. I only say this because how can one be nitpicky about other's body flaws if you're not damn close to perfect yourself? Anyways, that is just my thought on the matter.)

ANYWAYS... I would still feel self conscious because what if people are like "but he's too hot for her? but why them?" PLOT TWIST THEY ACTUALLY SAY "but she's too hot for him!" #LifeGoals but also not because if I can land a hot guy (as hot as me, obvi, because of my theory I listed above) who is also smart and ambitious and loves kids and puppies and social and high earning potential and smart and hot and nice and wonderful and not a psychopath, then hell yeah I want him.

Do you know what's funny? I'm rambling and writing this (I made myself a pledge to never actually reread my rants and organize them. I will proofread for spelling errors and some grammar, but I won't actually go back and move around paragraphs or sentences because I want you to follow my thinking and I kind of want you to understand me on that level) and like I actually don't see what the problem is.

Except for the fact that I have just mentally set a goal for myself to drop 2 sizes and become even prettier.

I feel like there are so many cute guys out there and I'm like "omg I'm cute you are cute we should bang bang and get dinner and watch Netflix!" and then I'm like "Okay brb let me drop 2 sizes and then we could physically compatible. Stay there. Don't move. I'll see you soon." and then I'm like "I'll see you never, love me for who I am!" and then I'm like "FUCK okay yeah I'll lose weight but not for you, just for me. Bye, rich homie."

Honestly. All I want is to be in a cute relationship and take cute pictures and have people be like "oh, my god, they are SOOOO CUTE #LIFE GOALS!" And to be in a collectively cute relationship, I need to follow my couples theory I listed above.

Feel me?

No? That's okay.

Yes? Awesome.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

About Me!

So I'm going to start an "About Me" installation that I do every now and then. I'm going to do a series of surveys that I found on the Internet! Yay!

Here was the first one I ever did.

Now here's the second one. You can also find the most current "About Me" and an archive of all the old ones over here (or on the About Me! tab.)

  1. Place: I don't have one! I just really like anywhere where my friends and family are.
  2. Person: Chessie (my dog lol)
  3. Color: Pink!
  4. Food: Mmm, this is hard... I can probably eat Chicken and Rice all day everyday. 
  5. Smell: Dawny Fabric Softener teehee
  6. Book: Any book written by Ellen Hopkins
  7. Movie: Annie! I'm like slightly obsessed with that movie. I just love Musicals.
  8. Music artist: I'm currently obsessed with Nicki Minaj. Not sorry.
  9. Genre of music: Alternative Pop/Rock/Indie type music
  10. Genre of literature: Do trashy young adult novels count?
  11. Magazine: Oh wow. I don't read magazines.
  12. Texture: Silk. It feels SOOO SOFT. Or maybe cashmere. Mmm.
  13. Time of day: 11 am
  14. Day of the week: Friday duh
  15. Tumblr: Mine, obvi
  16. Thing to do when bored: NETFLIXXXXXXXX
  17. Celebrity: Nicki Minaj <3
  18. Class in school: My Prisoner's Dilemma class
  19. Website other than Tumblr: Buzzfeed. The quiz section to be exact.
  20. Drink: Water
  21. Precious stone: Eh... I don't have one. But diamonds I guess.
  22. Animal: My puppy Chessie. 
  23. Flower: Chrysanthemums or Magnolias.
  24. Time in history: The 1920's seem roaring
  25. Font: tbh whichever I use for my blog. I think it's "Indie Flower"
  26. Video game: Obsessed with Dance Central and Just Dance. OBSESSED.
  27. TV show: Currently... How To Get Away With Murder and Supernatural
  28. Play: Uhhhhhh, Chicago?
  29. Sound: beach waves
  30. Fruit: oranges
  31. Vegetable: corn
  32. Store/shop: SEPHORA
  33. Article of clothing you own: my kimonos 
  34. Fashion/style: trendy with a touch of traditional
  35. Pattern: currently floral
  36. Workout: zumba bby
  37. Quote
  38. Historical figure:
  39. Boy’s name: Parker
  40. Girl’s name: Zara
  41. Potato chip flavor: Jalapeno
  42. Meal of the day: breakfast (even though I don't eat it)
  43. Ice cream flavor: Raspberry and Cream Gelato
  44. Soda: I don't drink soda
  45. Popcorn flavor: movie theater
  46. Season: Fall!
  47. Month of the year: NOVEMBERRRR (bc birthday month)
  48. Word: lol
  49. Disney princess: me 
  50. Insult: "wanna hear a joke? your life."
  51. Joke: "wanna hear a joke? my life hahahaha *cries*"
  52. Cussword: faacckkkk
  53. Letter: E
  54. YouTube channel:
  55. Eye color: a warm brown
  56. Memory: :)
  57. Dessert: Apple Pie
  58. Candy: peach or green apple gummies I guess
  59. Restaurant: tapas anything
  60. Lifehack: Outlines
  61. Language: french
  62. Thing to learn about: Gossip
  63. Thing about yourself: everything

Monday, April 13, 2015

Updated About Me!

Y'all want to know a little about me? Read my "About me!" Or check out my answers from a survey below. I filled this out in October! I refilled it out to see if anything changed. My new answers are Red! Note how some things that are fluid have not changed...

    001. What is Your Name? Elodie! 
    002. How old are you? 19 but my birthday is Nov 22! ALMOST 20! I AM TWENTY HAHAHAHA
    003. What is the link to your website, blog, or myspace? TWITTER: 

    004. What is your height? 5' 5" 
    005. Do you have any siblings? 2! One younger sister and one younger brother 
    006. What is your eye colour? Brown 
    007. What is your hair colour? Black 
    008. Do you wear glasses or contacts? Both! 
    009. Are you right handed or left handed? Right handed 
    010. Do you have any piercings? Just my ears! 
    011. Do you smoke? No, sir 
    012. Do you swear? Sometimes! 
    013. Do you get along with your parents? Yes of course <3. I love them! 
    014. Your heritage: Haitian! 
    015. Your fears: Falling and breaking things. 
    016. Goal you would like to achieve this year: Having a sober interaction with a male. I HAD ONE!
    017. Most overused phrase on an instant messenger: LOL 
    018. Best Physical Feature: Lips ;-* 
    019. Your bedtime: NEVER 
    020. What time do you arise in the morning? Around 9 am (but then I usually always go back to sleep!) Like 11 AM lol.
    021. First thoughts waking up? OH DEAR CAN I GO BACK TO BED PLZPLZPLZ. Wait I have to pee. 10 MORE MINUTES PLEASE. 
    022. Do you shower daily? Yesssssssss 

    This Or That?
    023. Bright or dark room? Medium 
    024. Chocolate or vanilla? Vanilla 
    025. Dogs of cats? FOR THE LOVE OF DOGS everybody should be a dog person 
    026. Pepsi or Coke? I am indifferent 
    027. McDonalds or Burger King? I am definitely indifferent 
    028. Ant or Dec? What 
    029. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea? Lipton! 
    030. Cappuccino or Coffee? Teaaaaaaaa 

    In the last month have you...
    031. Drank alcohol? HAHAHAHAHAHA Yes 
    032. Gone to a mall? Do you know me? Duh. 
    033. Eaten a box of Oreos? No 
    034. Eaten sushi? YESSSSSSSS 
    035. Been on stage? No 
    036. Been dumped? LOL NO (I wish, because then that means I would have been in a relationship HAHA) 
    037. Gone skinny dipping? Nope 
    038. Stolen Anything? Just your heart (hopefully) 

    Have you ever...
    039. Laughed for no reason? All the time :-) 
    040. Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do? Story of my life 
    041. Been in love? Yeah... With myself. And my dog. 
    042. Fired a gun? Does a laser tag gun count? 
    043. Been drunk? #SOML: Story of My Life (pt 2) 
    044. Been called a Tease? ;-) 
    045. Been beaten up? No 
    046. Shoplifted? Am I incriminating myself by answering this? 

    What was the last....
    047. Furry thing you touched? The bag I put on my wish list for my birthday My sweater
    048. Thing you've said? "LOL" 
    049. Song you've listened to? "Being Beige" The Smashing Pumpkins "Sleeping with a Friend" Neon Trees
    050. (Who was the last) person you've spoken to on the phone? My mommy <3 
    051. Movie you watched? ... I don't remember but the last show I watched was "How To Get Away With Murder" (THAT SHOW IS SO GOOD OMG) CINDERELLAAAA like a month ago
    052. Thing you were doing before this? Watching the above mentioned show Watching Hawaii Five-O
    053. Time you cried? Wednesday at approximately 3:40 pm Yesterday at approximately midnight.
    054. Song you've sang? "Centuries" by Fall Out Boy "Sleeping with a Friend"
    055. Time you looked at the clock? Literally 2 minutes ago 
    056. Food and drink you've had? Tortilla Chips and Rice Queso with Beef (It's my secret recipe) and Water! Tater Tots
    057. Flavour of gum you've chewed? Mint Bliss 
    058. Shoes you've worn? My riding boots Flip flops
    059. Store you've been in? Sephora like 2 weeks ago omg Macy's like last week

    060. Planet? Planet Me 
    061. Age you've been so far? 21. Jk, still 19. I like 19. 
    062. Season? FALL 
    063. Number? Don't have one? 
    064. TV show? How To Get Away With Murder... 
    065. Flower? Elodia flower! I also like Black Dahlia 

    066. How much cash do you have on you? $0 
    067. What's a word that rhymes with 'door'? WHORE. oh. 
    068. What T-Shirt are you wearing? A fuchsia blouse Chi Omega shirt
    069. What brand of shoes are you wearing? Apt. 9 
    070. What did your last text message say? "Thanks guys. [pumpkin emoji.]" "Group project!" But I can stay on west if you wanted to come? Or I can just come back to central"
    071. What were you doing at midnight last night? On a bus back to Central! Heading to SHOOTERSSSS
    072. What's your current desktop picture? Lips ;-) 
    073. What's a word that you say a lot? "LOL" seriously though 
    074. If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? PINKKKKK. Tinkle me pink ;-) 
    075. How is the weather right now? 50 degress Fahrenheit! Like 70
    076. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? His bulging... arms ;-). 
    077. Are you too shy to ask someone out? yeah lol 
    078. Can you do a headstand (not using a wall)? no lol 
    079. Who would you like to see right now? My DOGGG 
    080. How many pillows do you sleep with? 2 only because I only have 2 ugh 4. I use 4.
    081. Would you go on a date with someone on MySpace? No lol 
    082. How do you want to die? Peacefully and painlessly 
    083. What do you want to be when you grow up? A Senator 
    084. What country would you most like to visit? Switzerland 
    085. How many CDs do you own? 
    086. How many things, in your past, do you regret? 100% NONE of it :-3 
    087. Do you think you are attractive? I LOVE ME. Yes. 
    088. Do you believe in yourself? Sometimes haha 
    089. Do you want to get married? Yes plz. With 3 kids and 2 dogs. 

    In a boy/girl...
    090. Favourite eye colour? No preference 
    091. Favourite hair colour? No preference! 
    092. Short or long hair? Short 
    093. Height? Above 5' 10" 
    094. Weight? Enough to handle all of me ;-) 

Music Monday

L o l. What is Music Monday? Hahaha. Something I haven't done in like a month or 2...

Okay. Top 3 songs I've been binge listening to...

1) "Trap Queen" Fetty Wap

Literally, anybody who knows me knows that I WILL BUST A MOVE WHEN I HEAR THIS SONG. I'm LIKE HEY WASSUP HELLO SEEN YO PRETTY ASS AS SOON AS YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOORRRRRRRRRR. Will be your Trap Queen if you buy me a Lambo for reals.

2) "Crystals" Of Monsters and Men

I just really need to listen to this song everyday.

3) "Sugar" Maroon 5

Sugar? Yes please. All the time. Adam Levine why are you so pretty? Why is this song so cute? Omg. PLEASE PLAY AT MY WEDDING OKAY?

As per ushe (short hand for usual. It is pronounced like the first part of usual. Just in case you didn't know) feel free to check out Music Monday on my Spotify playlist!

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Update: Feb 17th, 2015

I just reread my Feb 17th post: Deep Connections. Well, I do have to update you.


I never got lunch with him. Haha, oh, that fucker. It's okay. I called him out on it. I was a little bit Elodie cray, but he was like "sorry you're upset blah blah blah" and I was like "lol it's okay I'm crazy ahahah bye." And I saw him sitting at the bus stop and I was like OKAY LET US DO THIS and I said hi like a normal person. So now whenever I see him, we openly acknowledge each other and sometimes catch up for like 5 minutes. I still miss him, yeah, but I'm also kinda over it.


I never did hook up with him. Still cute, still tall, still douchey. I would explain what happened, but maybe I'll wait for another day. He's kinda irrelevant right now to me and I don't care and I'm probably irrelevant to him.

But tell me why whenever I go out, part of me hopes I see him... :/.


Lol okay bye whatever. Like I said I love/hate my body and I really don't care about losing weight except I want this damn pooch gone but also like food but also looking nice in sun dresses without feeling self conscious but also like food and Netflix. So, whatever.

Well, that's pretty much it. I freaked out so intensely about these situations and I'm just here like, "... YOLO."

Back But Not Really

The last time I updated and posted to this blog was on February 17th. I think I distinctly remember promising you guys to keep you up to date with my life. I know I don't have many readers, but I have over 100 unique people reading my blog and over 600 views, which means some of you guys are checking back on my blog, which makes me very happy! Unless it's like 5 of you from 20 different platforms just checking up on me a million times, but that makes me happy too :)

I'm just posting because I am determined to upkeep this blog! Every now and then, a spark for a blog post pops up into my head and I want to run to my computer and blog, but then I am morbidly behind on my work... and sorting my damn feelings.

Let's see what I have to do before school ends... (By the way, 7 more days of classes, 10 days until LDOC aka Last Day of Class, 19 days until I go to the beach with my friends!)

  1. Research paper on political communications, which includes me actually doing physical research and making graphs on data that I have no collected yet
  2. Research presentation on my paper on the data I do not have...
Actually, that's all that is pressing right now, wow. But all my people in academia, y'all know how hard it is to actually find and collect data, especially when you have to read through 10,000 newspapers to code your data. Yay. YES. MUCH FUN.

I have to present my data this week and then actually turn in my paper a week later.

In addition to my school work, I am behind on my unpaid internships. Why do I do this to myself? I am behind on...
  1. My social media internship (10 hours a week)
  2. My blogger internship (2 hours a week)
  3. My research assistant position (6 hours a week)
I can tell you how long I've spent collectively on all three... About 5 hours, maybe. 

I'm also struggling in the summer internship category...
  1. Found the internship of my dream but the application isn't due until Friday.
  2. I hear back from another internship that I like on Wednesday, but I really want the first one more. Also, I need to send over a portfolio of my visual and written work over. I don't do visual work? 
  3. What if I just don't find any internship?
Just, many struggles. 70% are 100% unneeded. 

Anyways, back to homework, peace out, I'll work on getting better at this.