Friday, July 10, 2015

My First (College) Love

Being in love SUCKS. Unrequited loved SUCKS MORE. And being thrown off of a cliff would probably SUCK THE MOST. So, let's start this post with some optimism: At least I have never been thrown off a cliff before :).

I try to do the "tough girl" act as if I don't have feelings. Some people believe it until they get to know me and they know how much of a softy I really am. I love puppies, babies, my puppy, my future babies, wine, cooking, and making stuff. This is in addition to my love of makeup, beauty, and clothes.

I swear I wasn't always tough. Some assholes and ex-friends had to go and break my heart. So then, I get upset and I fix myself back together with the intent of not letting anybody break my heart again. Guess what happens? Yeah, yeah, yeah, please I'll take the tissue you're about to offer me *sniffle sniffle.*

So I get to college and I think "Not this time, I swear."

Logically, it happens.

I met this guy... thinking about our history makes me want to cry and throw my laptop at his head. We never dated, which is probably what makes things worse, but I considered him one of my best friends. I'm wary on posting this because I'd probably rip my heart out if he saw this, but I also just need to talk about it because I'm about to go "let me watch horror movies, anti love movies, eat all the food in the world, and cry about boys" mode and for the love of all the body progress I've been making (and the fact that this would not be healthy for anybody I would manage to rope in,) I decided to write about it.

I really want to write about every single memory I can remember, but I think I've tortured myself enough by replaying them countless times.

I don't know, guys, he was kinda perfect for me, or at least I thought so. We had comfortable silences, I loved just watching him, he was there when I needed him, he was (disturbingly) funny (in his own ways,) and he was just a good person. And when we hugged, OH MY GOD, it was as satisfying as placing the missing puzzle piece in an almost finished masterpiece. Such a lame analogy, but that's how I felt.

Then, something happened. I don't know what. I have my guesses and theories, but I just don't know. We stopped being friends. To me, it felt extremely abrupt, as if somebody (him) just snapped our connection, not even in half, but just on his side, leaving me with all these painful memories. And do you know what's funny? The minute I felt our friendship die, his twitter profile picture (it was us, the cutest picture of us EVER) was changed to one of just himself. LAME.

I should show you the Twitter picture because it was really the cutest picture ever (he even said it was one of his favorites AND HE HAD IT SAVED ON HIS DESKTOP)... But for the sake of his privacy, let's not.

So, I really don't know what went wrong. Was it me? Was it him? Was it an outside force? I know I could just ask him but let's be real about how the convo will go.

Me: "Hey... So... Why did we stop being friends?"
Him: "I was busy. We should catch up."
Me: "Awesome, okay."

And then we catch up and that's the extent of our conversation. I mean, I could always be like "I LOVED YOU WHAT HAPPENED!" But in what world has that ever turned out okay for anybody?

Yeah, thought so.

I can assure you... After him, nobody has entered my heart as he did. I keep guys away at arm's length, like back at my middle school Catholic school dances. I barely even give friends a chance. I'm all messed up but I made a promise to myself to be more open this upcoming school year, so we will see how that goes.

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