Maybe

You know that feeling where you know shouldn't be somewhere? Not because you're not allowed to be there, but because you could be somewhere better...

If you haven't had that feeling, you're doing great things, man. You're where you're supposed to be, doing what you're supposed to be doing, hopefully.

This feeling has been hitting me since day 1 of college. You would think I would have done something to change that, but no. I thought it was just the adjustment jitters. But time passed by, majors and mindsets were changed in hopes I might get rid of this feeling, but the feeling persisted. If you haven't guessed it yet, it is hitting me the hardest now.

I love college, I love learning, I love the professors, and I love the people I wouldn't have a chance to meet if it wasn't for college. Honestly, besides for the 8:30's, 10:05's, the 4:40's, the grades, and the academic papers which aren't friendly to my colloquialism, there really isn't anything I hate about my alma mater. 

But I feel like I should be doing more. I'm involved in my sorority, a cultural group, and several extracurriculars, so it isn't as if I'm not doing anything. I just don't think I'm doing what I really want to do.

It's at that point where I couldn't even care less about something I do badly because I just cannot even muster up the energy for it.

For those of you who know me, you're probably thinking one of two things... 1) "Gah! Go be romantic with life and run off to NYC and pursue fashion and beauty!" or 2) "Wait... Have you not seen all you've done so far? What are you worrying about?!"

To which I respond... 1) "I don't think it would be fulfilling." and 2) "I'm still not fulfilled!"

I want to do something meaningful. Did you know there are people around the world starting movements and creating products that help give back to their community? And they're my age and younger. Like, dude. I want to do that. "Get a PhD on the streets" or not be afraid to take the huge leap to something greater.

I don't feel as if college is for me at all and I don't feel as if law school (DEAR LAW SCHOOL IF YOU'RE READING THIS I PROMISE I AM A GREAT INVESTMENT OKAY) is for me either, and I think that's because I really don't know what I want to do with my life. Maybe I do, but I have no idea how to get there. Or... Maybe I do know how to get there and I'm just afraid of deviating off track and trying something wildly new.

I want something that fulfills me, inspires change in others, and lets me be fashionable as hell heaven (because why can't the angel wear Prada? Unless she wears Versace, because that's Gucci too, hehe) as I do it.

I know probably 89% of signs are telling me to go out on a limb and take the chance for whatever I want to do (which I still haven't figured out, but it's where social innovation meets entrepreneurship and where fashion and beauty bisect the hell out of that line.) But I also don't think I'm ready to make that leap yet. I feel as if I have so much more to learn. Also, I really do want to go to law school. I want to cultivate my advocating skills and I really want to learn about torts. But maybe I also want to go to business school and learn about management and social entrepreneurship and fashion. But honestly, I also want to run to Bora Bora and drink Piña Coladas until I have no care in the world. #Bliss.

I'm a productive procrastinator. Hopefully, I'll figure something out instead of writing my next paper. Maybe that's the problem... I feel as if I need everything written down and I try to plan for my life and stick with it. Maybe instead, I'm going to make lists. I'll make sure to share them with you when I finally do them. I have no idea what's going to be on it, so we are both in for a surprise. 

I know things will work out eventually. I'm hopefully and optimistic like that, but I just wish I could have a sense of direction before I start going crazy and losing my hair due to stress. I already feel the canker sores coming in because of stress. Yuck.

When I'm 30...

So in efforts to procratinate productively, I have decided to take upon the challenge a guest speaker, Christopher Gergen, in my class, Getting Rich by Dr. Lisa Keister, has posed upon us.

He said to write about our lives as if we are 30 and living in a perfect world (or us living our perfect life) and to be as audacious as we want.

To take upon this project, I am going to write a letter as if I am 30 and I will address it to my 19 year old self.

Dear 19 year old, naive, Elodie...

I hope college is going well for you. Don't worry, even when you think everything is going to go to shit, you're going to do fine. I promise. I wouldn't be writing to you if things turned out horrible. I know you are debating to take a gap year and go do something cray (yes, I still say these hip words, hun) before you go finish school, but I really liked just going straight to law school. Yes! You do get accepted to law school. No, you aren't going to anything below Tier 1, so take multiple chill pills. I know you're freaking out right now. But I won't tell you where I went... But I know you're going to make the right choice ;-).

So. Law school was GRUESOME. But don't let it discourage you... greatly. Yes, you kinda do flail around in the deep end for a while, but you find your footing <3. Did I mention you meet a hunky dude? Guess what? We. Are. Married. HOLLAAAAA. (Please don't judge 30 year old me, okay?) I'm not going to tell you what he's like, but when you meet him, you'll know. I know we decided to have twins via a surrogate, but I skipped all that and had a child naturally. I know you're grimacing and reaching over to your anti-wrinkle cream because I am stressing you out. But it is just so magical to see your stomach grow and then deflate when you have the baby. I'm not going to tell you the gender, but the baby is precious! And... I'm pregnant again!!! I know... Why would I have TWO natural births? 30 year old me is a lot more different than 19 year old you. But after this one, I swear, we are going to adopt, okay? Don't worry... Your pretty figure (I hope you're working out...) stays intact.

Oh! We also postponed the dogs. We are getting the first one when the first baby turns 3 years old :-). We think it's better that way. 

You're probably wondering if you ended up living with your parents for a while after law school. Yes, you did. It's okay. It was great and humbling. That small town firm really helped you figure out your life. BUT, you do move away. And you move into a beautiful single family home with your husband. Not too big, not too small, and it has a generous front and back lawn for the kids and dogs to run around it. Oh, you're still driving around Sushi. She runs great. Yes, she is still glittery. 

Oh. I never really told you what I do. Well, I'm a lawyer. I don't want to tell you what type because I'm afraid I am going to prematurely sway you, but you're doing great things, Elodie. I know you decided to do white collar criminal defense, which was really fun, but now you're giving back to the community in ways you didn't even think was possible... Before you say it, no, it wasn't for propping you up for your Congressional race. It was because you actually liked it. I know... shocker! You really do turn out alright, kid. You're worrying for nothing.

This doesn't mean to continue on the same track you're on right now. I know you're probably trying to crank out multiple seasons of your shows on Netflix, but you need to focus on your work. You run into something (or someone, hehe) that makes you change your whole entire outlook on life. When this happens, GO WITH IT! I know you're afraid of failure, but, girl, you were so audacious once. Remember? I do. I'm you, hehe. What happened to you (us?) We were much more afraid of regret than failure. But now I'm back to being afraid of regret and this life is awesome.

So if you don't glean anything from this letter, remember this: Your only fear should be fear of regret, not failure. Keep that mindset and you will definitely end up where I am.

Love,
30 year old, smarter and hotter, Elodie

P.S. And because I know you're waiting for this... Yes, your bag, shoe, and makeup collections are still pretty unrivaled. You can now sleep easy knowing this.

P.P.S. You're also the most fashionable in the work place. But that studded blazer you were thinking of wearing to your law school interview... Don't do it. Go with the pink, I promise you'll like it better.

P.P.P.S. The pink blazer and the fear of regret are the only two important things of this letter.

Love you! 

I'm a Mess

And it is so easy to point my finger and blame a multitude of things, but honestly, it's just me.

Let me give you an example, aka my whole night last night...

So I went out. We had a mixer with this reinstated frat. They went away for a while and now they're back. So in this fraternity, there is this one guy that I find very cute and super nice that I kind of met 2 weeks ago. I did not get a chance to talk to him during their fraternity date function because he had his date and I had mine and I was having self-confidence issues and whatever. BUT, (after a lot of running away and people forcing me to talk to him) I finally did talk to him.

But. Let me recount to you my night as to why I'm a mess...

1. I forgot to wash my dishes and take out the trash when I went away for fall break...
2. I took a nap in the wrong position and it messed up the curls I worked really hard to work for.
3. I dropped my cup while slipping over a wet patch.
4. I went over to the pregame, talked to guy #1, apologized profusely for being drunk
5. Talked to guy #2, and just laughed the whole time.
6. Ran away from the one guy I liked.
7. Talked to some of the other guys I met last time and they all judged me drinking a lot (whatever. It was one of those nights.)
8. Finally talked to the one guy again. WORD VOMIT FOR DAYS. Told him about my dead grandfather, that I'm ready to settle down, and that I like to word vomit, then justify it, then apologize, and then explain why I word vomit. It is kind of horrendous.

Like. I just want to just blame my friends for leaving me and not coming with me, but it isn't their fault. I should have known better, I should have done better. 

But I have a huge crush on him, but I know it wouldn't work out. He seems so... perfect. Nicer than he is attractive? What. There needs to be a flaw. I will always obsess over what his flaw is. But this point is moot because we aren't even friends yet and I have no idea where this will ever go anywhere because apparently he is not one to pursue girls because he is so nice and naive???

Ugh. What to do, what to do?