My First (College) Love

Being in love SUCKS. Unrequited loved SUCKS MORE. And being thrown off of a cliff would probably SUCK THE MOST. So, let's start this post with some optimism: At least I have never been thrown off a cliff before :).

I try to do the "tough girl" act as if I don't have feelings. Some people believe it until they get to know me and they know how much of a softy I really am. I love puppies, babies, my puppy, my future babies, wine, cooking, and making stuff. This is in addition to my love of makeup, beauty, and clothes.

I swear I wasn't always tough. Some assholes and ex-friends had to go and break my heart. So then, I get upset and I fix myself back together with the intent of not letting anybody break my heart again. Guess what happens? Yeah, yeah, yeah, please I'll take the tissue you're about to offer me *sniffle sniffle.*

So I get to college and I think "Not this time, I swear."

Logically, it happens.

I met this guy... thinking about our history makes me want to cry and throw my laptop at his head. We never dated, which is probably what makes things worse, but I considered him one of my best friends. I'm wary on posting this because I'd probably rip my heart out if he saw this, but I also just need to talk about it because I'm about to go "let me watch horror movies, anti love movies, eat all the food in the world, and cry about boys" mode and for the love of all the body progress I've been making (and the fact that this would not be healthy for anybody I would manage to rope in,) I decided to write about it.

I really want to write about every single memory I can remember, but I think I've tortured myself enough by replaying them countless times.

I don't know, guys, he was kinda perfect for me, or at least I thought so. We had comfortable silences, I loved just watching him, he was there when I needed him, he was (disturbingly) funny (in his own ways,) and he was just a good person. And when we hugged, OH MY GOD, it was as satisfying as placing the missing puzzle piece in an almost finished masterpiece. Such a lame analogy, but that's how I felt.

Then, something happened. I don't know what. I have my guesses and theories, but I just don't know. We stopped being friends. To me, it felt extremely abrupt, as if somebody (him) just snapped our connection, not even in half, but just on his side, leaving me with all these painful memories. And do you know what's funny? The minute I felt our friendship die, his twitter profile picture (it was us, the cutest picture of us EVER) was changed to one of just himself. LAME.

I should show you the Twitter picture because it was really the cutest picture ever (he even said it was one of his favorites AND HE HAD IT SAVED ON HIS DESKTOP)... But for the sake of his privacy, let's not.

So, I really don't know what went wrong. Was it me? Was it him? Was it an outside force? I know I could just ask him but let's be real about how the convo will go.

Me: "Hey... So... Why did we stop being friends?"
Him: "I was busy. We should catch up."
Me: "Awesome, okay."

And then we catch up and that's the extent of our conversation. I mean, I could always be like "I LOVED YOU WHAT HAPPENED!" But in what world has that ever turned out okay for anybody?

Yeah, thought so.

I can assure you... After him, nobody has entered my heart as he did. I keep guys away at arm's length, like back at my middle school Catholic school dances. I barely even give friends a chance. I'm all messed up but I made a promise to myself to be more open this upcoming school year, so we will see how that goes.

"Sight of The Sun"

I have been listening to this song nonstop... This song is just perfect.

(Shoutout because all the songs on my Music Monday have been perfect.)

One line in particular (by line, I mean the whole chorus, oops): "And for once there is nothing up my sleeve, just some scars from a life that used to trouble me. I used to run at first sight of the sun, now I lay here waiting..." The rest of the quote goes "...for you to wake up." But I'm single and I don't wait for anybody to wake up. So for sake of this post, I'm disregarding that last part.

I haven't been extremely open with you. I didn't expect me to just blurt out everything to this blog, especially if I did not know if I was actually going to keep up with it. So, I decided to put things as they become relevant. I usually stray away from harder things and try to keep this blog kind of light-hearted (which can be difficult because you don't really know my sense of writing, so I might think something is lighthearted but you might just be reading the post with a sad smile and a want to hold me in your arms. You might also just be laughing at my misery or feel very indifferent and that's okay too.)

But every now and then I just want to cry my eyes out or tear my heart into pieces because something is bothering me.

Well, this song, along with several others (all listed on Music Monday) have been a source of life line for me the past couple of days.

You don't know me, but I'm not a very romantic person. I don't mean hand holding and kissy faces and candlelit dinners, but I just mean towards life in general. I love life but I am way more concerned about my future than I am my present. That in itself presents a very obvious dilemma because I need my present to have my future. I think two words my high school friends would choose for me would be "calculating and cunning" because I weighed out the pros and cons and my expected utility for almost every single action I did, even something as slight as jumping into the pool.

I've tried, throughout the years, to be less calculating, but I'm struggling hardcore.

And the other night, I was crying and listening to "Some Nights" and I was just thinking about how his voice is just so amazing and how I wanted to listen to more of it while I re-evaluated my life. So I started listening to more Fun. songs.

Sidebar: If I had said "to more songs by Fun." would it have been a double period because the group name already has a period in it or...?

Anyways. So "Sight of the Sun" came on and I heard the line(s) I posted above and I lost it for two reasons:

1. I had just told myself that I am ready to be a romantic and just be in love with life and the present and go on adventures, take "me" days for fun, be more selfless, and just carpe diem-ing the shit out of life.
2. On a physical level, I used to partake in self-harm and I finally felt as if I was 100% over that.

And that song was just... Wow. Sums up my feelings pretty much. The song was almost reminiscent for me. I have never been in a relationship but the song does not necessarily have to refer to a significant other. I just kept on thinking about that one month of freshman year in college when I actually did not give a fuck and I was in love with life, in love with college, in love with everybody I met, and in love with myself. And wow, do I miss those days so much. I was a happier individual back then. I do not even think it was the "naive freshman" outlook, but just a genuine appreciation for life and more importantly, myself.

Now, I'm just deflated. I've been feeling deflated. I want to cry all the time. I want to go out and just drown my sorrows in empty music and loud bass. I want to snuggle under my blanket and watch sad Netflix shows and movies about failed love or action shows with a bottle of Riesling and a bowl of fried rice. I want to just be near my dog and my family. And I'm just deflated. I've lost that will... That spark... That passion I used to have in high school.

I lost sight of the sun. (Literally, I always keep my blinds closed and I try to stay under my covers as long as I can.) 

But I'm ready to take back the world.