Deep Connections

Remember when I said I would get better at this blogging thing? Hahahahaha... I will, I promise. I ow everybody about 20 Music Mondays and stuff.

Anyway, tonight was a difficult night for me. Mentally and emotionally. I allowed myself to be vulnerable with people who I trusted. Of course, they were vulnerable first so I then became vulnerable, but I am glad I was able to confide in them.

This week has been a long week. It's only Tuesday extremely early morning. Yeah. In the past like two days, all of my worst fears and anxieties came back with a vengeance and left me cradling myself in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, tears rushing out of my eyes.

I don't even know where to begin... The source of these fears and anxieties or what exactly led to a resurgence of them. I'll go with the latter and if the former seems applicable to the understanding, I will elaborate.

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So. Wow. I don't even know which one to start with honestly.

1) Friends

I'm starting with this one because I really don't have a great title for it. So my freshman year in college, I befriended this one person and we were BEST FRIENDS and then something happened. I don't know what happened. At all. I have my hunches but I do not know for sure. So I went crazy Elodie. Bat shit cray to be honest. Cray like "STOP LIKING MY INSTAGRAM PICS IF YOU DONT WANT TO BE FRIENDS DAMN." Yeah. That cray. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Soooooo, I gave myself some space from him (more like he probably gave himself space from me) until we had a class together and I probably made it awkward as fuck. I am not a mature person at times. Or a rational person.

But then I saw him over the summer and it was as if we were still friends. Great, right? NAH. So I run into this person at our local club. It was weird, man. So weird. Get this, he was like "I MISS you SOOOOOO much from my LIFE. We NEED to catch up!" At that point, I wanted to jump off the bar and be like "Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." Nevertheless, we agreed to get lunch on Wednesday but... I don't know what I want from him. An apology? A friend? Closure? Nothing? I have already created a Crazy Elodie rant for him, so we will see how that goes. I promise I'll keep you updated.

Question: Am I being crazy or is my skepticism justified? I should get the lunch, right?

Fear: What if when I talk to him, everything I had thought about why our friendship ended gets validated? I'm anxious and I want to show him that I've done so well without him but honestly, there are times when I am miserable and I know that only the old him could cheer me up.

2) Sex

Drugs, and Rock & Roll. Okay. There is no easy way to write out this post at all. Long story short, I met this guy and both of our interests align. Well I thought they did. We both want a hook up buddy. But, I kind of want a friends with benefit, so cuddling and netflix and sex, and it seems as if he wants just the sex. I've been pretty dodgy of him and I have already shoved a handful of Crazy Elodie in his face. But I want to make sure that our wants kind of align. Like if he calls me over for sex, I want to make sure that it isn't only sex. Like I am not a call up girl. I don't want to be kicked out right after and I don't want to go straight into the sex. There really is no easy way to ask this, but I need to know before I commit to something.

I've been talking to him since Saturday and things have really gone nowhere. The convo is slightly ridiculous because we are both kind of being blunt and coy at the same time. I do want sex, I really do. But I've only ever had drunk sex (sorry mother/father/sister/cousin/family if you're reading this) which is why I am just being so guarded with everything that might go into this hook up. I really do not think I am asking for much. I don't want anything serious, just lots of fun (sounds like a recipe for disaster, but I'm ready to brace that storm.) But in addition to that... I've had more dominant/submissive sex. Not like bondage, but in the roles. Like, I have always been guided and I have grown to love that because then I don't have to think. But I need to get away from that too...

Question: Am I getting in way over my head? Am I just going to get hurt?

Fear: What if I am just so fucking awkward at sex? What if I start to like him?

3) Weight

I am also slightly skeptical because he's really handsome, tall, and smart so he fits some of my paper criteria if I had to draft a perfect man. But like... And I know this is going to sound horrible, but... Why me? Am I in no way, shape, or form extremely unattractive but he can easily get a tall, blonde, skinny girl on his arms and he wants to hook up with me. Of course, the first thought to go through my mind was "Fetish. He wants sex with a black girl," but I quickly dismissed that because other fears wanted to come through, such as my problem with weight and my looks.

Okay, fine, I'm pretty, but like my body... I like it at times, but lately I've been very lax on the working out. SORRY TUMMYYYY. So I have a pooch and I hate it. I wish I could just cut it off with a knife. Also... arm fat, thigh fat, and ugly boobs. Okay, so I hate my body most of the time. And usually I'm not too aware of it, but whenever I am, bad things happen... Like my eating disorders. So talking to him is seriously making me self-conscious.

Question: Is this boy already damaging to my health and state of mind?

Fear: What is my disorders come back? What if when we have sex, he sees my body and is beyond disgusted like I am whenever I look in the mirror?

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I confided all of these fears with two of my sorority sisters. And I feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I honestly don't know what's going to happen next, in terms of me and my relationships with these fears, but I am ready to handle them because I know I have people who already know a little.

Before this, I was afraid because the last people I have really connected with (boy in #1) and another girl and guy have pretty much cut contact with me. And it's probably not because of the connection but other things, but I have "connected" with people in the past and the same thing always happen. So, I was terrified in confiding in somebody else because I don't think I could handle confiding and having that person leave me. 

#MusicMonday

Because this post is at the end of the month (due to the fact that I have not been updating my blog), this month's #MusicMonday will be lopped in with February's #MusicMonday.

So, here are my top 3 songs from this week.

1. "I'm Gonna Show You Crazy" Bebe Rexha

I'm not going to lie... This song speaks to me on many different levels. If you think I'm just crazy, then you've got a whole world coming to you. No shame whatsoever. Ask any one of my close friends about the revenge I have wished to do to people. Luckily, my self-control is greater than my craziness, so no need to worry about it, but I still LOVE this song.

Fun fact: I proceeded to tell a guy about how I relate to this song and he still continued talking to me. Either he thought I was kidding or I am attractive enough to be as crazy as I am. Either way, I suck at flirting.

2. "Bitch, I'm Madonna" Madonna

#Same

3. "Friends" Brooklynn

Check out the song here!!! Sorry I couldn't find a video, but the song is still boss.

In retrospect, I'm not super crazy... But................................................................. Yeah, whatever. We all have our moments. Mine happen to be more frequent than mosts.

As per ushe, to check out all 15 of this week's songs, click here to hear all of the recently compiled songs, check out my Spotify playlist!

To Dream Another Dream

Heyyooo kiddos,

I'm back (wow it's been 4 days instead of like 4 weeks, teehee)!

But I'm back with another dream update. I said I would tell y'all about all of my reoccurring dreams and here is one... Well. This dream was a 2-fer because there were two distinct parts that bled into one. The first half is a new half and I have no idea why it blended into the reoccurring part.

Pt 1.

I'm hiding from my friends because I just can't trust them. I have an operations base set up in my apartment and I am trying to hide from their constant bombardments. I'm not actually under attack, like physically, but emotionally/mentally/psychologically. And those are being solidified, like when an "attack" comes, it's memories from a friend that hurt me, but they arrive in the form of a grenade. So, yeah, when it explodes, the memory plays. So a prominent memory played back in my head but in tenfold. I can elaborate on that memory on another day. For now, we will call it BFM1 (Bad Friend Memory 1). So as I'm watching this memory, there's another friend in my base who turns out not to be my friend at all. She's been secretly relaying all of my plans and attacks to our mutual friend who is attacking me. When I find out that there's a spy in my base, I'm going through window where I see a random friend.

Pt 2.

So then this transitions to my reoccurring dream. The earliest moment I remember starts off very dark and macabre. I'm with a couple of my friends and we see this hooligan outside of my house. We head outside to confront him but then he grabs one of my guy friends and slashes his body in half. We are horrified (duh) and we try to run back inside but he shoots my three other guy friends. Me and one of my girl friends make it back inside. We have no idea where the other one is. One of my guy friends isn't dead, so the guy cuts his head off. It's bloody everywhere because he is dismembered our already dead friends. We are hiding behind the door while also looking outside (because there's this panel where we can see outside but out can't see in) and we see the guy come up to us with a gun and he points it at the door. He's on the phone and he's trying to position his gun blindly. He takes a first shot and we scream and scramble. He takes a second blind shot and hits my friend's foot and now she's on the ground trying to crawl. I'm holding on to her and I am dragging her to our safe zone. We run into our other friend who was missing and she's on the phone telling the person where we are in the house. So I get upset because I think she's talking to the guy who was outside. So then I black out. Time has passed (I have no idea what happened in that time) and my father and I are running out of jail into the arms of my mother/his wife.

What had happened was that the guy wanted to get revenge on my father because he thought that my dad indirectly killed his family when he opened his casino. We were held in jail for protective custody until the police can find the man, which they did. We learned that it wasn't my father's fault because it wasn't even his casino because my dad is a doctor who doesn't gamble. He just got the names confused because of dyslexia or short term memory and information overload. Or something. When I'm done hugging my mother, I see my friend who was on the phone. She came to see me. But I slap her because I think it's her fault that the guy shot our other friend, who ended up dying. But then she was telling me about how she called the police and was giving them where we are as a safety precaution.





And then I wake up.

Weird, weird dream. I know what the first part means, but not the second part...

On Losing a Friend

Not physically, thankfully.

It's weird. I've lost many friends in the past (like I said, not physically) and I get over it after a while. Shit happens. I happen most of the time (have you met me? I can be a huge and emotional wreck. I even get tired of myself like 62% of the time.) People grow old. People change. Sometimes I get annoyed and I initiate the friendship ending.

But, never have I ever been so fixated on the end of a friendship that I have torn myself to a point where I don't recognize myself anymore.

It's weird. We were the same. We were alike. We were so similar to the point where... Ugh. I can read something you wrote and I'll be like "Did I write this?" Or you can say a word and I'll be like "YEAH FORREALS I KNOW SAME HAHAHA." We were soulmates.

I keep beating myself up, even though it has been over a year that we haven't been friends and I'm still torn.

I just want to be friends again.

It's not the memories I miss, it's you I miss. I miss the good and the bad memories with you because I miss you so much.

Heartache

It's a weird thing to feel your heart crumbling away inside of you. Not physically, but psychologically. If your heart is physically crumbling away, I suggest you go to the hospital and wait until you're well enough to read this entry.

Do you know what I'm talking about though? I don't even know how to describe this feeling. It's like there are butterflies in my heart and they're trying to burst, as opposed to my stomach.

Like, how do you face somebody you had such great memories with and pretend nothing happened? Or pretend that what was in the past is only in the past? Or pretend that when we say "Hi," it doesn't mean "Hi, how are you? Haven't seen you in forever... *passive aggressive*" but it truly just means a term of greeting.

You don't. This is why people need space. Some people, like me, will never get over this feeling even if I am given 50 years of space. Others, can easily compartmentalize and might not even need space.

But, how do you even do that? Doesn't it hurt to make yourself not hurt over an emotional bruise? We were friends, or at least I thought we were. There was no closure, or at least I thought there wasn't. Sometimes when we make eye-contact, you look through me as if I never even existed or even once mattered. And that hurts.

I'm thinking of all the memories we had--clear, like an HD TV--and I want to burst into tears because WHAT HAPPENED? I'm at a point where I am fine and I have accepted that things can and will never go back to the way they were. But I'm also at a point where whenever I see you, hear your name, or think of a memory involving you, I furiously replay every crucial moment in our friendship and I try to figure out where I went wrong, because I always blame myself.

I can't even imagine having a boyfriend and him breaking up with me. I'd be devastated. I already get so emotional when a friendship ends...

I understand that ships can sink (relationships, haha,) but I just want to know why. That's all. I think I deserve some closure. Maybe we outgrew each other, but don't I deserve to know that much?

Last Night: Oct 9th, 2014

I was pacing my apartment floor, debating on what to wear. I had a friend, Anya, with me being extremely calm and casual, just chuckling at me. I had a couple of outfits on my bed: a sequin top with a black body con skirt, a mesh cut out triangle patterned dress, and a collared floral dress. At first, all I wanted to do was wear jeans, wedges, and a cute shirt.

You see, after the events of last week (crush party, bench building, chapter,) I met this cute guy and I wanted to impress him. I talked to one of my sorority sisters who told me about a date function his fraternity was having. The theme was "Newly Weds" so each brother would sort of randomly get paired with a girl; my sister was able to get me invited. My date was a cutie and very accommodating, although not my type at all.

So anyways, I'm freaking out because I really want to impress this guy but still acting low-key and casual. Unfortunately, because the theme was "Newly Weds," the dress code was more or less semi-formal. So, in an effort to be cute and casual, I went with the collared floral dress and wedges. I even curled my hair and did really cute makeup (cat eyes, cut crease, and sheer plum balm.) I went over with a couple of my sisters.

Well. The date function was pretty fun. The guy I liked was looking really cute too. Want to know something? I didn't even talk to him. So much for meeting him the other day. But, I still had fun. I'm doing this new thing called being sober while I go out. It's awesome. I had real fun last night, one that wasn't helped with a little bit of alcohol, which is awesome.

My date left early because he had a quiz the next day (boo, that whore,) but I was able to get to know more people. I was up until 4 with a couple of the guys and a couple of my sisters. I honestly don't think I've had this much fun since... I have no idea. We played board games... BOARD GAMES!!! Have you heard of Quelf? No? Go discover it. It's awesome. I met a couple of my date's friends and I do not honestly think I have ever met a more fun and genuine group of guys. I just want to be friends with all of them, but I such at being friends with guys... They never work out, like ever.

After the first round of board games, we went to Pitchforks (or Cafe Edens, dumb) which is a 24/7 diner on campus. This one guy ordered 4 sides of bacon... Who does that? Him, obviously. But after that, we were up until 4 am playing Quelf once more.

Needless to say, this night did not go as excepted, but I had a crapton of fun. I promise, I will try to befriend my lover dude when I get back from break. We have an event planned with them and I will take the time while I am home on break to find the PERFECT outfit that screams "Hey, look at me. I'm cute and fun and sexy and wifey material and you know you want to date me," while also screaming "Yeah, I put in like 10 minutes of effort to look this beautiful" but while actually spending 2 hours.

Ugh. I am so excited to go home and see my dog.

I have a paper due at 11 pm tonight. HAHAHAHAHA. I'll start that shit when I get home... at 6 pm.

:-)